After 7 straight losses against the Pats dating back to 2009, the Miami Dolphins held strong against Tom Brady and a Pats team that had feasted all year on last-minute comebacks. As the Dolphins took the lead with 1:15 to go, the feeling in every Dolphins fan's stomach was "Oh shit, here we go again," with the Pats having ample Tom-Brady-comeback-time to get their dry cleaning done, drink a mint julep, and read all of War and Peace.
However, the Dolphins' bend-don't-break defense was able to hold off Brady's comeback and send maybe hundreds of white, crusty males who attended the game at Sun Life in their ridiculous WELKAAAAH jerseys back to Waltham or whatever annoying New England town they're from with nothing but an ugly loss and a few sad lap dances at Tootsie's. The post-victory walk down the Sun Life ramps must have been most delicious!
Things did not begin well for the Dolphins because an early FG attempt yielded a bit of a "buttfumble" off punter Brandon Fields' face:
Yikes. Naturally, Twitter was aflutter with the usual Dolphins-related trepidation after this latest dork-blunder:
Things did not look good for the Dolphins after this, but somehow they found their mojo shortly before halftime, when the two-min offense yielded a quick-strike Tannehill-to-Wallace TD that had the Dolphins trailing the Pats 10-7 at halftime. This was a harbinger of things to come in the second half as the Dolphins found "The Glow."
Early in the fourth quarter, Tannehill led the comeback with a good drive and a quick TD pass to Daniel Thomas for the lead. Brady then drove down the field for a Julian Edelman touchdown following a Pats FG, giving the Pats a 20-17 lead with less than three minutes to go. Tannehill then took a hard shot of 180-year-old whiskey, opened his weapons chest, selected the BIG BAD MUTHAFUCKA COCK, and led the Dolphins down the field for the go-ahead score to Marcus Thigpen. Hats off to Joe Philbin as well (who earlier opted for the buttface FB fumble rather than go for it on fourth and one), going for it on a crucial fourth and five that was flawlessly executed by Big Play Clay.
This all set up the final drive for Brady, who went after rookie Will Davis (filling in for injured Brent Grimes AND Nolan Carroll) time and time again on the final two Patriots drives, and there was that overall tightening of the rectal region we Dolphins fans know all too well. But then, out of NOWHERE, came a new, sexy hero to save the day.
Recent acquisition from the 49ers practice squad, Michael Thomas, whose name is so unfamiliar to Dolphins fans that he could be confused for Miami Vice star Philip Michael Thomas, suddenly emerged on the final drive and had not one, but two crucial plays down the stretch that literally had "Who is #31?" trending all over Twitter by game's end. Thomas not only knocked away a Brady-to-Amendola TD pass but also intercepted Brady in the end zone on the game's final play. Blowjobs, unicorns, poor children receiving Christmas gifts, puppies, kittens, and fireworks!
The Dolphins have somehow, inexplicably, during one of the strangest seasons ever, controlled their own destiny with two more wins (after a Bengals loss last night), avoided another 7-9 season, Tannehill has 23 TDs (the most since someone named Dan Marino), the Dolphins went all NONONONO-finger-wag-Mutombo on Brady's bid to tie Marino for fourth-most wins by a quarterback (147), and -- for one day -- Michael Thomas gets ALL the handjobs in the VIP.
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All of this happened, AND Tom Brady had a big, ol', expletive-riddled sad during the postgame news conference.
Shit. Maybe it IS our time.