The Miami Dolphins dominated pretty much every facet of the game against the Cleveland Browns yesterday, including rushing and passing yards. They even held a 16-10 lead with 43 seconds remaining.
But because they are the Dolphins, they went ahead and did that thing where they go all epic fail on our asses and let the Browns beat them 17-16. The Dolphins are now winless on the season.
At this point there's nothing left to do but laugh. And cry. And hope we tank it so we can draft Andrew Luck next year. But mostly cry.
Seriously, 43 seconds and the Dolphins would have ended the weekend 1-2 and everybody would be irrationally excited and we'd all be high-fiving each other on the street. But because the offense can't score touchdowns for tittysakes, well, here we are. Tony Sparano's ass is so fired. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows anymore.
- When Dan Carpenter kicked a 38-yarder to give Miami the 16-10 lead, Sparano did his patented "Cheer a Field Goal Like Your Doctor Just Told You You're Herpes-Free!" like an asshole. Forty-three seconds later, the Browns would score the go-ahead touchdown to win the game. That's why we don't cheer field goals, asshole.
- Browns QB Colt McCoy led Cleveland on a 13-play, 80-yard drive to score the go-ahead TD with 43 seconds left. Including converting a fourth-down pass to some dude named Montario Hardesty. The Dolphins got beat by a dude from a blaxploitation movie.
"'Sup, baby. You ain't never heard of me. But imma catch a ball on fourth down and keep this game-winning drive alive on yo ass. And that ain't no jive, sugar."
- The Dolphins are dead last in the AFC East. Mainly because the Bills, Patriots, and Jets all know how to score fucking touchdowns. Also mainly because we suck.
- Chad Henne had a chance to lead a winning drive with the ball on Cleveland's 47-yard line. All he had to do was put the Dolphins another 15 yards or so and have the Fins win it by scoring the only way they know how: with a field goal. Needed 15 yards. FIFTEEN! He threw three incomplete passes and an interception. Holy assballs, Chad Henne is fucking awful.
- That Reggie Bush signing is looking as astute as the time Neville Chamberlain signed away Czechoslovakia to the Germans. Too much? Fuck you!
- Seriously, though. A perfectly good Darren Sproles was out there for the taking, and we go with LaMontell Pussyhammer? When Reggie is handed the ball, he just freezes. As if he's hoping the oncoming linebackers and defensive ends won't see him if he stands perfectly still. Nice fucking job, Jeff Ireland, you ginger shit.
- Five trips to the red zone: one touchdown, one fumble, three field goals. That's what's known as a TRIPLE DICKBURN.
- Henne after the game: "I know one thing about these guys -- they're not going to stop quitting." He can't even deliver postgame cliché-ridden, bullshit one-liners without completely vomiting into his pants.
- Daniel Thomas finished with 95 yards on 23 carries. BLACK DYNAMITE!
Montario Hardesty approves!
- Bill Parcells had an entire segment on ESPN's pregame show on how to build a franchise properly. Bill Parcells is cockmeat.
- Brandon Marshall has now dropped a surefire touchdown pass in each of the first three games of the season. And every time, he's made the same last-second twitch, as if he realized at just that moment that his wiener is hanging out of his pants. The hell is up with that shit?
- The Dolphins offense was 4-of-13 on third-down conversions yesterday, bringing their grand total to 10-of-36 for the season. You have a better shot of nailing Megan Fox than the Dolphins have at converting a first down. Look it up if you don't believe me!
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
The Dolphins visit the Chargers next week. Kickoff is at 4 p.m.