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Dolphins Top Five Fuckups: From Your Mom's a Ho to Jimmy Buffett

​The Miami Dolphins screwed up when they decided to honor

the 2008-2009 national champion Florida Gators football team during

the October 23 home game against the Denver Broncos. Gator rivals, the UM Hurricanes, are both our home team and in trouble with the NCAA. 


This stupidity shouldn't

surprise Dolfans.The franchise hasn't had its act

together since 1983, the year the team drafted Hall of Fame

quarterback Dan Marino.

So in honor of the Dolphins' front-office ineptitude, we give you the top five worst management moves by

Miami's oldest professional sports team:


5. Jeff Ireland asks Dez Bryant if his mom was a ho.

Before the Dallas Cowboys made Bryant

their number one pick in the 2010 draft, the former Oklahoma State

wide receiver was interviewed by the Dolphins general manager.

Ireland inquired if his mother had been a prostitute, which an

insulted Bryant flatly denied. After the story went public, Ireland

issued a mea culpa: "I used poor judgment in one of the questions

I asked him. I certainly meant no disrespect and apologized to him."

What Ireland really wanted to know if Dez's mom provided the full girlfriend experience.

4. ​Partnering with Jimmy Buffett.

In addition to renaming the team's stadium after Buffett's bitter-ass Landshark Lager, the

front office also agreed to stop playing the Dolphins fight song in

favor of a ditty composed by the crooner. Now every time we go to a

home game, we have to put up with that insufferable chorus line: "We

got fins to the left, fins to the right, we're at the only game in

town. Oh, oh, oh, oh!" We'd like to take a fin and jam it into

Buffett's guitar.


3. Hiring Dan Marino as a team executive.

In 2004, desperate to show fans he was

serious about turning around the team's mediocrity, then-owner H.

Wayne Huizenga hired the Dolphins' all-time greatest passer as

senior vice president of football operations even though Marino had

absolutely no experience evaluating football players. Bringing back

Marino was supposed to help everyone forget the Dave Wannstedt-Rick

Spielman era of ultimate suckage. But three weeks later, Marino came to his senses and quit. He's still enjoying a stellar career as an

NFL TV analyst while the Dolphins continue down the path of

consistent mediocrity.

2. Forcing Don Shula to retire.

Coming off a 9-7 season in which the

Dolphins had acquired a plethora of free agents to get them back to

the Super Bowl, Huizenga decided it was time for the NFL's all-time

winningest coach to call it a day. He forced Shula out so he could

bring in Jimmy Johnson, the guy who turned the Miami Hurricanes into

a national powerhouse and brought the Dallas Cowboys back to glory. Three

years after taking over, Johnson led the Dolphins to the team's

worst playoff loss in team history: a 62-7 drubbing at the hands of

the Jacksonville Jaguars.

1. Moving out of the Orange Bowl.

In 1984, Miami Mayor Maurice Ferre

refused to cave in to original team owner Joe Robbie's demands for a

new stadium, so the Dolphins patriarch vowed his team would never play in the Orange Bowl again once the lease was up two years later.

Robbie paid for his own $100 million stadium, where the Dolphins have

been playing for the past 24 years, but he mortgaged just about

everything he had to get the place built. After Robbie died, his

family ended up selling the franchise to Huizenga, who ignited the

team's fall from perennial Super Bowl contender to perennial loser.

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