Oh hooray! The Dolphins beat a pathetic two-win team to prolong our chances for an evenly average season. Fantastic. Ryan Tannehill played flawlessly, Reggie Bush threw down his anaconda sexual organ and the Dolphins trampled a pathetic Jaguars team 24-3. Woooooooooooo!
The Dolphins played a virtually perfect game on offense and defense -- about three weeks too late. But, still, it was fun to watch and beat up on a lesser opponent with two wins and no quarterback. Luckily, we survived the possibility of a 'Chad Henne revenge game' and Jeff Ireland's reign of terror continues for another week.
This game was positively narcoleptic for three quarters but we'll hit the highlights anyway:
- The Dolphins beat a lesser opponent handily, Chad Henne played like the Chad Henne we all know and hate and Ryan Tannehill had a bounceback performance.
- The game started off with an enormous amount of pathetic football. So much so the Surgeon General considered the game itself a Class A illegal narcoleptic because of the sleep-inducing non-action. Congressional subcommittees met to discuss its relevance for days. Ultimately, action picked up once a Tannehill fumble deep in our own territory yielded an opportunity for the Jags to go up 10-3. Unfortunately for our future draft prospects, the Jags are JUST as stupid as our own team and committed a rare 'illegal-lineman-downfield-penalty' that negated a 22-yard Henne to Justin Blackmon pass that would have put the Jags up 10-3. Instead, the Jags went for it on 4th and 1 and got nowhere. SMART FOOTBALL!
- The Dolphins defense played fantastically as three fourth-down stops in their own territory held the Jaguars out of the endzone. In addition, the run defense showed up again and was Berlin Wall-esque against the Jaguars running backs. That's great if you like that sort of thing where being 6-10 means more to you than being 5-11.
- After weeks of boring offensive football, the Dolphins finally exhibited a bit of creativity via some cleverly designed plays. Jorvorskie Lane got open for a TD late in the second quarter on a well-designed play that had Tannehill fake on the read-option, leaving Lane for a short TD catch. The Dolphins also used the running game effectively to set up play-action downfield. Tannehill was great, utilizing his legs to move the ball downfield when necessary and finishing 22-of-28 for 220 yards and 2 TDs. His 79 percent completion percentage was best for his rookie campaign -- as were his 52 rushing yards on the afternoon. A stellar game all around for the kid.
- Reggie 'LaMontelle Pussyhammer' returned with a vengeance. Dude was nasty, especially on his 53 yard run in the third quarter as ass just flew into his closet voluntarily. Aside from that, it was the penile anger he ran with on nearly every touch. LaMontelle took on prospective tacklers with the vengeance of a guy that got too drunk on the first date to have sex - then actually got a chance to come back another night and make good on his penis.
- We can't gloss over the FUCKING STUPID AND COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL IDEA to fake a FG when you're playing a terribly shitty team. The laughability of Fasano trying to be so slick that no one would notice him out on the flat, Fields thinking he could actually throw a viable pass to him and then them trying to execute this STUPID idea only to have it laughably fail was wonderful. Come on, Philbin. You're a Scooby Doo villain and all but even YOU didn't think you would get away with THAT, did you? Easily the dumbest Dolphins play of 2012.
- Brian Hartline achieved his first 1,000 yard season as an NFL receiver, which is something we might care about if it weren't for him being any other NFL team's No. 3 receiver at best (he only has ONE TD on the season) and the fact he resembles a chipmunk. Chipmunks aren't great football wide receivers, typically.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Ultimately, this was a big, fat 'W' on the Dolphins schedule since the start of the season. If Henne had gone nuts on the team we'd chalk it up to being SOOOOO Dolphins but since he didn't it's just an 'ooookay' win. The one positive takeaway was that Tannehill played very well against the NFL's No. 31-ranked defense. That felt nice.
But we will not know what this kid is all about until we put some REAL (i.e. not-Jeff-Ireland-selected) weapons around him. The Miami Dolphins next take on the Buffalo Bills at Sun Life Stadium this Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.