Dolphins Take Down Raiders, Have Four Wins Now
Amazingly and infuriatingly, the Miami Dolphins have come tromping out of the depths of a shitty season like a reanimated zombie and have suddenly started kicking opponents asses and eating their brains.
The Dolphins defense stabbed the Raiders in the face with their ferociousness, while the offense -- led by the indomitable Marionette Puppet Matt Moore and his efficient 167 yards passing as well as a giant-dong-wielding Reggie Bush and his 100-yard rushing day -- scored more touchdowns than field goals on their way to ferocious cockpunching 31-14 final. It's totally conceivable that the Dolphins lost the first seven games of the season just to be dicks.
- MATT BARKLEY.....
- The Dolphins are always going to give us what we want, as long as we keep wanting a shitty mediocre football team.
- Sure the Dolphins suddenly went from picking fifth in the draft to now having the eighth pick. And sure the playoffs are as possible as a Herman Cain White House. But hey 4-8, you guys!
- This team makes it hard to be a fan. Lose the first seven games of the season, only to turn shit around when it matters the least while shooting our chances at a premium draft pick in the face with a dildo canon. It's enough to make even the mild mannered Dolphins fan insane. If Gandhi was a Dolphins fan he'd be all, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING TWATBAGS! SOMEONE GET ME A FUCKING SNACK!"
- The Dolphins are now 4-8! The Matt Moore Puppet is the True Heir to Dan Marino! They might be saving Tony Sparano's job! Let's party! Spider-Man, Bat Man and Iron Man style! GET LOOSE WIT IT!
- It's fun to watch the Dolphins win. No doubt Kevin Burnett's 34-yard pick-six got people jumping out of their seats and doing that flying chest bump thing and kissing strangers on the street like in one of those old World War II victory photos. But the Dolphins just keep winning us a chance at being completely fucking miserable for another decade. While people in Wisconsin are celebrating Aaron Rodgers and a potential 19-0 season, we're down here sucking each other's cocks over a marionette puppet quarterback and four fucking wins. Think about that. The best-case scenario now is Miami finishing 8-8, and still missing the playoffs, while losing out at drafting the next franchise quarterback. Countdown to misery with meaningless wins! Fuck yeah!
- Reggie Bush was again the catalyst to the victory. He ran for 100 yards on twenty-two carries. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, he took a hard hit from Raiders line backer Aaron Curry and celebrated by doing pushups. LaMontelle Pussyhammer's gonna git loose wit it all week!
- Jason Taylor to the fans: "You may be upset that we're winning, but we really don't give a damn." I love Jason Taylor. Even after his stint with the New York Trogs, the man is a Dolphin for life. One of the most feared pass rushers in franchise history, and a guy who will no doubt one day be inducted into the Ring of Honor. But Jason Taylor can blow his defiance out his shitmaker.
- I'm not going to lie, Vontae Davis' corner blitz sack of Carson Palmer was awesome. He came flying in from out of nowhere, cracking Palmer from behind face-first into the dirt. Davis then went to Palmer's house, stole his dog, raided his fridge, battled a hoard of orcs, made love to a beautiful woman, composed an entire album of power ballads, stole a keg of beer, drank the beer, returned to the stadium, and smashed the empty keg across Palmer's face, and then did that crazy yelping celebration he does sometimes. It was sheer awesomeness, and a reminder that we have the dumbest fucking coaching staff in all the land who apparently thought blitzing the opposing quarterback was somehow illegal during the first half of the season. Cocksocks.
- Dickmuffins & gravy, Tony Sparano might be saving his job!*
*he totally isn't.
- The late, great Jim Mandich was inducted into the Dolphins Ring of Honor yesterday. Awwright Miami!
(Hat tip to @DatRoroKid for the Spider-Man vid)
The Dolphins host the shitty Eagles next week. 5-8? Fuck and yes! Gametime is set for 1 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.