Dolphins Take Down Bills, Still In Last Place
The Dolphins took down the Buffalo Bills 30-23 in a snowy Orchard Park yesterday. Reggie Bush ran for a career-high 203 yards. It was also their first win without Tony Sparano.
With just two games left to play, the Fins victory brings their record to 5-9, putting the team on track for yet another 7-9 season. One of Dante's nine circles of hell is having your favorite football team finish 7-9 every year forever. True story!
- The Kansas City Chiefs beat the Packers of Green Bay yesterday. Which means the 1972 Dolphins are still the only team in NFL history to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. It also means the surviving members of that team were doing their annual tradition of popping bubbly and smoking cigars in celebration. You have to love how the rest of the NFL watching country finds this annoying to no end. They love to bring up the fact that the worst team in today's era could easily beat that '72 team. Or that Mercury Morris is a fucking tool. Those things may be so, maybe not. But the fact that people get worked up over a bunch of old dudes celebrating something that no other team, no matter how talented or world busting, has ever done is quite awesome. They do it every year. And will continue to do it until the end of time. And they do it knowing full well they're pissing everyone off. Because they're old, they're cranky, they're proud of their achievement and, most of all, they don't give a flying fuck. I love those guys.
- Holy shitsnacks the Buffalo Bills are horrible. Their offense failed to convert a first down, going 0-for-11. They were 0-12 when they played us a few weeks ago. That's 0-23 in first down conversions. It's like the Dolphins were playing against themselves in a parallel universe.
- Speaking of horrible: Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Homeless Professor threw three ball-obliterating interceptions yesterday, constantly overthrew his receivers, and had the accuracy of Stevie Wonder playing darts after a half dozen shots of tequila. Fitzpatrick has been downright mounds of zoo elephant shit shitty since he signed a big contract in October. He's thrown 8 touchdowns and 12 INTs since then. This is why you don't christen a guy who has been floating around from team to team his whole career "franchise savior" after a few good games. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated and totally random and arbitrary note, Matt Moore -- who has played for the Cowboys and Panthers before the Dolphins -- threw for 217 yards and two touchdowns yesterday. FRANCHISE SAVIOR MUTHAFUCKAAAAAHHHHSSSSS!!!!
- Reggie Bush ran for 203 yards and a touchdown. During one run, he was able to stop mid-stride, spin, and keep running, completely fucking Buffalo safety George Wilson's shit up in the process. George Wilson, you've just been PUSSYHAMMER'D! A lot of people like to point out that Bush has been spectacular ever since Kim Kardashian divorced her fake husband. But being awesome when it matters the least is a team-wide thing. The Miami Dolphins: United in middling shitty football since 1999! Seriously though. After a career day like yesterday, how fast did Reggie want to get the fuck out of Buffalo to hit SoBe to celebrate? You know he's stocked up his mansion to properly celebrate:
- Before we all start sucking each other's dicks over this meaningless win against an abysmal injury-riddled football team, keep in mind two things: The teams the Dolphins have beat this year are a collective 21-33 on the season. Also, for all the "explosive dick rocket offense," we've supposedly experienced lately, the Fins are still a bunch of cocksocks when it matters the most. Miami had the ball on the Bills' 1-yard line, 9-yard line and 12-yard line yesterday, and came away with two field goals and a lost fumble. Cocksocks.
- The Dolphins are no longer dead last in the AFC East. The Nazi Zombie Dolphins Fan should pop champagne like the '72 Dolphins.
- You may have heard that a bunch of Dolphins fans have gotten together and hired an airplane that will fly a banner that reads MR. ROSS, SAVE OUR DOLPHINS. FIRE JEFF IRELAND over Sun Life Stadium against the Jets on January 1st. Agree with this plan or not, you have to at least concede that the guys that put this together are passionate about the Dolphins and love their team and want to see change. You also have to concede that they're the sexiest dick joke bloggers in the universe. Also, suck a bag of dicks.
- The Dolphins are slipping further and further away from being able to draft an elite quarterback with every win. Instead of watching the NFL Draft this April, I say we all staple our scrotums to our thighs.
The Dolphins visit the New England Patriots on Christmas Eve. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.