Dolphins Lose On Thanksgiving Day
Your Miami Dolphins played in yesterday's Thanksgiving Day game against the Dallas Cowboys and lost, ending their three-game winning streak and putting their playoff hopes on life support with someone standing by ready to smother it with a pillow. The Dolphins defense did what it could, intercepting Tony Romo twice and causing him problems all day. Miami also out gained Dallas in yards, and led the game in time-of-possession.
Yet, they couldn't score touchdowns when they needed to and failed to close shit out at the end, allowing the Cowboys to hit a last second field goal for the 20-19 win.
The Abbreviated Thanksgiving Weekend Rundown:
- The Dolphins had four drives in the redzone and only came away with field goals. It's good to have you cockheads back!
- This team can't do anything the easy way. Brandon Marshall scored on a 35-yard touchdown where he made a spectacular catch as he was nearly strangled and killed by a Cowboys DB. And yet, throw him a catchable lob into the endzone when he's wide open, and his hands turn into ass.
- Matt Moore failed to get the Dolphins in the end zone time and time again, botched a couple of snaps -- one of which slipped through his hands and the Cowboys defense recovered at the Miami five-yard line (PUPPET HANDS!). After beating the shitty Chiefs, the shitty Redskins and the shitty Bills, lots of folks -- particularly the local media -- have been christening Moore the franchise savior. So I was quite amazed by how he applied none of that apparent awesomeness in a game against a first-place team.
- Reggie Bush came back down to earth with a 61-yard performance on 16 carries. He also had 35 yards receiving, meaning he failed to crack 100 total yards. LaMonttelle Pussyhammer must have been distracted.
- Tony Sparano's job is on the line, his team has very little room for error if they're to make the playoffs, and yet he continues to settle for field goals and pumps his fists like he just won the Power Ball and yells out "GOOD JOB!" to his players after failed touchdown drives. Tony Sparano needs to be sprayed in the penis by that casual pepper spray cop.
- A little surprising that Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant didn't go crazy in this game, seeing that this was the first time he ever played against the Dolphins since GM Jeff Ireland asked him if his mother was a dirty cocksucking whore. Frankly, I was expecting an explosive outing by the second-year receiver. I find it quite objectionable that you failed do more, Dez. Color me vexed and disappointed that you didn't have 200 yards receiving, three touchdowns, and didn't run into the owner's box to stab Jeff Ireland in the face with a trident.
- The Shit Rainbows & Blow Unicorns Super Positive Dolphins Fans need to now finally face the facts. This team is one gargantuan pile of deer shit. Matt Moore is not the answer to your prayers (unless you prayed for a marionette puppet for a QB). And there is little reason to win any more games this season. Even had the Dolphins won yesterday, the playoff picture would still look bleak. This is what happens when you lose your first seven games and have no franchise quarterback to speak of. This team blows and needs to lose as many games as possible so it can stop blowing and we can all stop cheering for mediocrity and 3-8 seasons. So go visit your local emergency room, ask the nurse for an opium suppository and shut the fuck up already.
The Dolphins will host the Oakland Raiders next Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.