Dolphins Beat Falcons, Still Look Like Crap
The good news is football season started again last night. The bad news is the Miami Dolphins still pretty much blow.
The Dolphins visited the Atlanta Falcons for the first game of the 2011 pre-season and, while the Fins ultimately delivered the 28-23 victory, it was mostly thanks to the second teamers and reserves that finished things out.
Basically pre-season football is exactly like going to the zoo. It's fun when you get there, but the entire day is spent looking at the animals' asses.
The first quarter was as disastrous a quarter as you could expect from the Dolphins, with the offense playing like old people screw. Chad Henne threw two interceptions that led to 10 Atlanta points, the running game was non existent, and Anthony Fasano still treats the football like it was dipped in syphilis.
Meanwhile, the quarterback that could have been a Dolphin -- Matt Ryan -- led the Falcons to a 17-0 score against Miami's first teamers. Bill Parcells is a dipshit.
The lone highlight for Henne was a 44-yard touchdown pass to Brian Hartline to start the second quarter against Falcons defenders that'll be selling iPhones at local Atlanta strip malls in a matter of weeks. By the end of the first quarter, the Falcons' first stringers had out-gained the Dolphins' first stringers 163 yards to 17.
Phllip Livas ran back a 75-yard punt return TD for the Dolphins in the third quarter. So there's that.
So to recap: Pre-season, regular season, it doesn't really matter. The Dolphins are a giant bag of ass.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Marco Rubio on Cecil the Lion: "But What About Abortion?"
- Dolphins Bring Back Old Logo and Throwback Uniforms for One Game
- Hillary Clinton to Speak at FIU on Friday (She's Just Not Sure If You're Invited or Not)