Dolphins at Patriots: Five Keys To a Fins Win
The Dolphins travel to New England on Sunday and three weeks ago most Dolphins fans would have greeted this challenge with a salivating maw. Today, however, our collective asshole is clenched tighter than Justin Bieber entering the showers of a maximum security prison on national "Fuck a Horrible Human Day." This team was up and we felt awesome; they are down again and it's same old shit.
So here we are with that horrible, unsettling, un-Heat altogether familiar feeling of 'HOLY SHIT WE ARE ABOUT TO GET DESTROYED, AREN'T WE?."' We most certainly will be but here's some things to watch out for anyway:
1. Tom Brady is a Weirdo and We Should Be Better Than This Already
Nope. Still creepy at the end there.
Somehow this goddamn skeleton face has a model wife, an awesome NFL career despite being a 6th round pick and he's beaten us quite a few times -- yet still there he is yelling at wide receivers and winning last second games. Fuck this guy already. Can we please advance that whole 'we drafted Dion Jordan to make Tom Brady's life miserable' thing and destroy this guy's face? He doesn't even have any real receivers and he's still being annoyingly good. I hate him. I hate his face. I hate his 'tenacity' and 'toughness' and all that other disgusting bullshit slop that's been force-fed via every stupid cliche sports narrative available.
Furthermore, he's going to be VERY PISSED about what happened against the Jets last week. That could be really, really bad for us!
2. Is Bryant McKinnie Worth a Shit?
Not as a human or a lifelong VIP member at King of Diamonds, but along an offensive line that is easily the worst in the league and easily the difference between possibly being 3-3 and 4-2. This week the Dolphins traded for McKinnie and he's practiced a couple of days at left tackle. It is too early to tell if McKinnie will play THIS week given the importance of the position and the limited time he's had to learn the offense so we'll have to lean on Clabo/Martin again at the tackle positions if not. As for the rest of the season, McKinnie is still a bit of an unknown. At best, McKinnie provides size and leadership (neither of which the Dolphins current offensive line is really known for) and helps clear up some of the issues the Dolphins were having at the tackle positions (pssst...the guards are also sorta fucked). At worst and most likely, you replace Tyson Clabo's name with Martin's and Martin's with McKinnie's on Sundays when you're yelling your head off at the TV. Then you set yourself on fire in front of your friends and family!!! Wheeee! It's our time?
3. You Can Run on the Pats - Or Whatever, Just Pass it 50 Times!
The Dolphins actually ran the ball some last week and had some success in doing so. The Dolphins had 120 yards rushing on 25 attempts for a solid 4.8 yards per carry average. But, ah, fuck that ... better to take our chances with a 1-point lead by putting the ball into the hands of the QB with the most turnovers in the league coupled with a right tackle that has all the toughness of a paper bag filled with the feathers of a rare American Kestrel. That's some tough genius to contend with. The Pats are 31st against the run but Mike Sherman Henning will hear nothing of it!!! No sirree! "We're actually gonna REVERSE-surprise them and pass the ball on these suckas! They'll never know what hit 'em!!!!1!1!!1" - Mike Sherman
4. These Are Actual New Englanders
THE. FUCKING. WORST.
5. Don't Be Predictable
The last time we beat the Pats in Foxboro it was a pretty memorable game - but that was five years ago. But if that game showed the world anything it's that you can't come at Mr. Suuupeerrrrrr Genius Yoda Mumble Mumble Belichick with your plain, old 'run-on-first-down-run-on-second-down-throw-it-on-third-down' predictable shit. If you want any chance at all of coming out of Foxboro with a win, it requires the Dolphins to be creative and tricky as a motherfucker. The Dolphins need to go in there feeling sinister, dastardly and a bunch of other adjectives befitting a 19th Century snake-oil salesman. They basically need to be Daniel Plainview and that sonunvabitch is not a person to be trifled with.
The Dolphins take on the New England Patriots in Foxboro, Land of Douchebags on Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.