For this week's cover story about recently retired NFL superstar and purported spiritual healer Ricky Williams, I got on the phone with NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman.
They're linked besides being two of the weirdest dudes in sports who have been photographed wearing wedding dresses and who live in South Florida. Rodman attended Williams's wedding in 2009, and when Ricky started his career, the superstar running back considered naming the master rebounder as his agent to negotiate his rookie career. (He went with Master P instead.)
But we could use only one snippet of a quote from Rodman's interview because it was probably the least intelligible Q&A I've ever done.
Experience it for yourself. We've embedded the audio, and here is a transcript of the interview. I condensed my questions but left Rodman's answers in their untouched glory. When I couldn't figure out what the hell he was saying, I approximated what it sounded like.
One thing, honey. Guess what? Was he drunk? Awesome.
New Times: Hey, Dennis, how's it going?
Dennis Rodman: Love is good, baby. Love is good.
When did you and Ricky first meet?
We first met probably 1980-something. Nineteen-ninety-ninety. He's a good kid, man. He's a good kid. I don't know about his weed smoking; I don't give a shit about that. Awesome.
He said you did a toast at his wedding -- that you crashed his wedding and then did a toast.
Bro, I didn't crash his wedding. Don't go there. Who said that?
I did an amazing toast. Hey, guy, guess what, I've been in Basic Joes [?]. Guess what, I could have run into some real cool stuff -- we have more in the back. Guess what? At least he has beautiful kids, that's the most important thing. He loves his kids, that's the most important thing. He does one thing: He loves life. [To himself] Good point.
Do you see similarities between him and you?
I drink, he smokes. [Cackles.] That's about the similarities, motherfucker. That's about it, brother.
He doesn't smoke anymore, though.
He doesn't smoke anymore?
At least that's what he says.
Well, guess what? Guess what? You know what he did, dude? This guy's the only football player I know that does one thing. He's very creative. His mind is very full. He's very creative in general, I'll give him that. He's very creative. And one thing, he did one thing. His doctor degree, right? He loves figuring out how things work life-wise. That's why, you know -- a lot of football players don't do that. That guy does a very good job at one thing: Making things happen to people that are very awesome.
He says that his spiritual healing can help former football players rid themselves of the effects of playing in the NFL. Have you ever tried Ricky's teachings?
One thing: I don't listen to people's teachings. I do one thing: I'ma go to China, Asia, and stuff like that, and watch people do -- what do they call it? -- the very healthy, healing thing. And one thing, honey. Your hands may show you that you help people when they help you out along the way. That's all I love because the mind will play the worst trick in the world on you. Hello. And guess what, love is good but anyone -- and Ricky does one thing. Ricky believes real cool shit. Guess what? He's probably the only athlete I know who got thrown out, fucked up, came back, paid his money back, took care of his family, and then is back and is living a good, healthy life.
A lot of people wouldn't have thought he'd be able to accomplish that.
And he did it. I give him that credit, dude. Ricky -- guess what? -- besides him and Earl Campbell is the only two Longhorns ever in the history of all Texans that did one thing: Always make money, brother. And Earl Campbell and his office company? Wow, we know that. Watch this -- watch what goddamn Ricky do. Guess what? He'll be more than better than anything in the world for the University of Texas. Awesome.
Can you imagine what he's going to do upon retirement?
I'm in love with the fact that they would represent Ricky Williams at a good football game, or even a good rally. Guess what? [To somebody else in the car with him] You want to do this interview? [To me] I was talking to -- whatever -- that's the last question, right?
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Just one last question: What do you think is next for him?
Guess what? One thing: All you got to do is look at his kids. The one thing, he is very soft-spoken about his mother and his family and stuff like that, and he's very gracious about that one thing: not to hurt people. And he's good at that, man. He's a good kid, man. All you got to do is watch him talk. He's not gay. I'm just saying, he just talks like that. He's a humble human being. And one thing: He always takes care of those kids, and his wife, guess what -- that's a whole different subject. I don't even want to go with her. But whatever, we're done.
Dennis drops the phone without hanging up.