Dear Ron Paul, You Can Stop Existing Now (In Politics)
Note: We don't want Ron Paul to stop existing from this earthly plane, Paul-heads. We want him to stop existing in politics, in the Herman Cain way.
Ron Paul, the frantic and slightly unnerving uncle at Thanksgiving dinner who won't shut up with his opinions, finally got stabbed with a tuning fork yesterday.
He "won" 7 percent of Florida in the GOP primary, which is essentially a margin of error. Paul will say his scrappy campaign couldn't afford to compete in Florida, which is why he spent the primary day in Colorado and Nevada. But we wish he would take the hint, drop the hell out of the race, and also not bother us in 2016 or 2020, when his phony renegade act will be even more bizarre because he'll be 87 years old. Here's why kicking Ron Paul in the ass was one of the smartest things Florida Republicans have ever done.
3. He's a closet
People seem to think Paul is a moderate. Maybe it has something to do with the disorienting effect of his eyebrows. He's an abortion-criminalizing, anchor-baby-targetin', drill-baby-drill EPA-demolishing freak. The man has denied evolution and called climate change a hoax. By the numbers, Paul is far to the right of even Hyper-Conservative Booty Juice King Rick Santorum.
(Update: The Paul-heads currently making sweet reLoVEution to this comments section are clamoring for us to rescind our claim that he is a "neo-con." You are correct. "Right-winger" is what we were going for here.)
2. His campaign sure is uninspiring.
Remember when all we would hear from Ron Paul's camp was that he was being ignored by the evil lame-stream media? Then in the chaos of this GOP field, he got his second at the top of the heap. And immediately news broke about his scary-ass racist newsletter. (Don't worry, he had that stuff written only to goose sales.) Notice you don't hear his supporters complaining about a lack of attention anymore. Paul's strategy at debates seems to be stammer and flap about like a dying turkey. And about forfeiting states because you don't have the funds to compete, Ron Paul: All we ever hear about is this fervent base of loyal supporters, so... where's the money, Lebowski? Oh, that's right, none of them can contribute to your campaign because they're saving up for Tool tickets. Which reminds us...
1. His supporters are delusional.
Ron Paul supporters seem to think this guy is some counterculture icon, which is a very sad hoodwinking of some naive fellas who might otherwise be spending their energy writing electric-guitar love ballads to that chick in their Econ class. Paul-heads: You are nothing more than young Republicans. Do you think Newt Gingrich's middle-aged supporters were so openly soulless in their 20s and 30s that they would support somebody like the Newt? No, they probably rallied behind somebody just like Ron Paul -- a conservative stiff pretending to be a revolutionary. Skip these awkward growing pains, don your hair helmet, and become a proud poor-people-hatin', tax-hoarding, giant-television-ownin' Republican.
Also, those bumper stickers are plain awful. "ReLOVEution"? One: How do you pronounce that? Two: The last thing any sane voter in either party wants is to be loved by that creepy coot. I'm picturing him hugging me with his clingy grasp, and he's drooling on my shoulder and his sandpapery man hands are rubbing my neck. It's very disturbing.
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