If you're a fan of low scoring games, low-percentage shooting and sleep depravity, then Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the game for you!
LeBron James scored 24 while Dwyane Wade added 22 and Chris Bosh went for 19 as the Miami Heat took down the Dallas Mavericks 92-84 to take the first game of the best-of-seven series last night. Meanwhile, you're a walking zombie this morning. LETHARGIC HIGH FIVE!
In his post game comments last night, LeBron James described the fourth quarter as "Winning Time." This seems like a good slogan for the remainder of the series and should be trending on Twitter at all times.
Seriously, would it kill the NBA to start these games just one hour earlier? The fuck is this 9:07 tip off shit? Who are we waiting for? Oh that west coast demographic is just too vital to the overall well being of the NBA and it's fine sponsors. Just because you have a shitty white hipster fuckhole rapping on a T-Mobile commercial doesn't mean the whole of Washington State won't tune in if you move the start time back a smidge. Have you not seen us this morning, David Stern? This city is the walking dead. Only with breast implants and Ed Hardy shirts. What a horde of sexy zombies!
On to what went right and wrong for the Heatles!
- The Dallas Mavericks are perfectly capable of dropping an assload of points on any given night. But the Heat defense held them to just 37 percent shooting, the lowest they've shot throughout these playoffs.
- Dirk Nowitzki tore a tendon in his left hand. Mike Miller and his thumbless hands scoff at Dirk Nowitzki.
- Mario Chalmers led the Heat bench with 12 points. He also led the team with guys that get yelled at by LeBron. Still, you gotta be excited when Bizzaro Chalmers makes an unexpected appearance and helps the Heat get a big win. Sometimes that "Mr. Clutch" tattoo of his isn't so ironical.
- Joel Anthony had two huge blocks to start off the game when he denied Tyson Chandler and Shawn Marion dunks. He contributed virtually nothing on offense and got into early foul trouble, but with The Warden you take the good with the shitcannon and call it a day.
- Dwyane Wade continues to not give a hardy fuck about the first half of games, only to turn things up in the second. D-Wade scored 7 points in the first half, was tentative with his shot and barely made any attempts to get to the basket. But in the second half, he was the righteous ass-destroying badass we've come to know and love over the course of seven seasons. He led the team in assists, played ball crushing defense and hit a couple of three pointers that had me screaming "LECHE!" for no reason whatsoever.
- LeBron James can kick much ass just by himself if he so chooses to. He went ballistic with his three-point shots, played tough defense and his perimeter game was the drop-kick to the Mavs throat that Miami needed to get over a tough first game. He was also able to shut down Jason Terry in the second half. Some would say it's because LeBron is dedicated to playing tough defense, but it was most likely because he wanted to see that Larry O'Brien trophy tattoo on Terry's arm for himself.
- Udonis Haslem once killed a man with a trident. True story.
- Shawn Marion quickly leaned that LeBron James has the overpowering physical strength of an angry dick-swinging menace.
- Mike Miller left the game with a sling on his left arm. He already has no working thumbs. He's slowly falling apart at the seams like a scarecrow, but Miller's giving us all he's got. If he can somehow keep his limbs from decomposing just a little longer, that would be fantastic.
- Zero points on 0-for-4 shooting for your starting point guard. At this point, it's fairly obvious an old Korean woman has quantum leapt into Mike Bibby's body.
- Miami fans are doing everything they possibly can to proving every stereotype America has bestowed on us by being as shitty as humanly possible. For most of the game, the crowd was just dead. Attractive as hell. But dead. Keep in mind that the crowd you see on television are the rich assholes that buy up all the good seats while the real fans making all the noise are unseen (and unheard) in the 300-400 levels. Sure they had to sell a kidney and maybe forced their sister into prostitution, but they're there, making noise, cheering, being rowdy. Fuck you and your gold plated hovercrafts and your lack of making the appropriate amount of noise at a basketball game, rich people. You dropped half a grand for those seats. Fucking act like it! Dicks.
What To Expect
- Don't expect Dallas to not score. This is one of the most explosive teams in the NBA, and they will get their points. That said, our defense is just a vice grip of sheer kickassery, so you have to be excited about that.
- Look for more double-teams on Dirk. While he was shitty when bothered by Joel Anthony, he was mostly shitty when two guys were on him. Defensive rotations is key.
- More hate-fueled nut destruction to the Mavericks defense with shit like this:
- That fat guys is fucking amazed by that play! Someone chest bump that fucking amazed fat guy!
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!