Cuban Communist Party Congress Concludes: What the F--- Just Happened?

​The Cuban Communist Party's sixth congress concludes today in Havana and if there is one clear point of consensus following the four-day event, it's that no one -- probably not Raúl, and certainly not Fidel -- has any idea what just happened.

Take The Bearded One, for example. Just yesterday it seemed clear that Fidel was officially gone as leader of the party. Now the AP reports that he made a last-minute appearance to "thunderous applause" and weeping delegates earlier today. Gone? Not entirely.

In light of the serious confusion surrounding the congress, we decided to feed Cuban president Raúl Castro's comments into our brand new MierdaTron 3000 translator to see what his jargon-filled speech really meant. Here are the results.

Raúl: The Military Parade that we watched this morning, dedicated to the young generations, and particularly the vigorous popular march that followed, are eloquent proof of the fortitude of the Revolution to follow the example of the heroic fighters of Playa Girón.

MierdaTron Translation : I hope you enjoyed the parade, because that was our entire 2011 government budget. Wasn't the skywriting totally sweet, though?

Raúl: In a truly extensive democratic exercise, the people freely stated their views, clarified their doubts, proposed amendments, expressed their dissatisfaction and discrepancies, and suggested that we work toward the solution of other problems not included in the document.

MierdaTron: Seriously people. Enough with the 'Fuck off Fidel' letters. We get it. And no, we will not re-write the Cuban constitution to allow for democracy, Funyuns, and the new Captain American movie.

Raúl: This process has exposed the capacity of the Party to conduct a serious and transparent dialogue with the people on any issue, regardless of how sensitive it might be, especially as we try to create a national consensus on the features that should characterize the country's Social and Economic Model.

MierdaTron: Any issue. Any issue at all. Well, except for multi-party democracy, freedom of the press, right to assemble and protest, fair trials... but who's counting?

Raúl: The problem we are facing has nothing to do with concepts, but rather with how to do it, when to do it, and at what pace.

MierdaTron: Reform is like a marathon, people. An exhausting, muscle-destroying marathon that never actually ends. We just keep moving that finish line farther and farther back. But hey! You're running, right? Exercise is good. And that's the point.

Raúl: This principle is absolutely valid for the restructuring of the work force, --an ongoing process-- streamlining the bloated payrolls in the public sector on the basis of a strict assessment of the workers' demonstrated capacity. This process will continue slowly but uninterruptedly, its pace determined by our capacity to create the necessary conditions for its full implementation.

MierdaTron: You're all fired. Seriously. Leave. Now.

Raúl: The growth of the non-public sector of the economy, far from an alleged privatization of the social property as some theoreticians would have us believe, is to become an active element facilitating the construction of socialism in Cuba since it will allow the State to focus on rising the efficiency of the basic means of production, which are the property of the entire people, while relieving itself from those management of activities that are not strategic for the country.

MierdaTron: Later this week, we will be opening a Bennigans in Revolution Square. All the better to facilitate the expansion of my - I mean, the State's - waistline thanks to their delicious jalapeño poppers.

Raúl: We are convinced that the only thing that can make the Revolution and Socialism fail in Cuba, risking the future of our nation, is our inability to overcome the mistakes we have been making for more than five decades and the new ones we could make.

MierdaTron: By Marx, we will destroy our own economy, thank you very much!

Raúl: We have reached the conclusion that it is advisable to recommend limiting the time of service in high political and State positions to a maximum of two five-year terms.

MierdaTron: Ten more years, bitches! I'm set for life.

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