Forget the new logo, uniforms, coach, roster or shady funding for the new stadium -- by fair the most despair-inducing feature of the Miami Marlin's recent makeover is what we originally termed the "insanely ugly animatronic home-run sculpture." The thing looks like a Mardi Gras float impregnated a Guy Harvey shirt during a bad acid trip at the Magic Kingdom.
Until recently it only existed as a terrifying GIF, but it's now near completion. We must accept that it is an actual reality.
Here it is in its near-complete glory.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
There it sits proudly like a giant middle-finger to good taste. A chode-y phallic symbol infected with Flamingo-shaped herpes sores. An enormous butt plug covered in the worst type of stereotypical "Florida" imagery designed to be roughly shoved up the ass of anyone who dares to claim that there is anything actually resembling culture or aesthetic decency in South Florida.
It's so much worse than we could have imagined, and we haven't even seen it in action yet.