Chris Bosh Is A Smooth Operator: Heat Take Down Cavs
The Miami Heat seemed to have been sleepwalking through the first three quarters of last night's game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. And all that dicking around might have cost them the game if not for Chris Bosh blowing up with his 17 fourth-quarter points.
Miami was able to sustain some furious runs by the Cavs but held on for the 92-85 victory, and avoided a second-consecutive loss to a sub .500 team, as well as avoided getting insufferable douchey tweets from Dan Gilbert.
It was a clunky performance for the Heat, who were once again without Dwyane Wade, who is still nursing that damn sprained ankle. And coming off a bicycle bar to the crotch 91-82 defeat at the hands of the Milwaukee Bucks on Sunday, the offense has looked like a pickup game at Tropical Park where everyone is chucking up shots, landing none, and throwing errant passes into the parking lot. The Heat finished with the lowest first quarter scoring of the season last night, and couldn't take advantage of Cleveland's sloppy play, multiple turnovers, and overall suckiness.
LeBron James, who faced his ex-team for the fifth time since shitting on their city last off-season, finished the game with 18 points, but went just 1-for-5 in the fourth quarter. And, as it's been for most of the season, as LeBron goes, so goes Miami's offense. When he's blasting through opposing defenses, the Heat look like a bulldozer, but when he's playing like shit, the Heat look like a shirtless Steven Tyler.
And thanks to last night's old lady fart of an offense, the Cavaliers were able to stay in the game throughout, with Anderson Verajao's hair earning a double-double, Kyrie Irving scoring 17 and some dude named Samardo Samuels finishing with 15 points for Cleveland, hitting his first seven shots with ease and probably causing Erik Spoelstra to say, "It's a process," and "What is this fuckery?" in the same breath.
The Cavaliers are really a team the Heat should be obliterating into a fine powder whenever they face them. But, as it has been so far throughout this young season, Miami continued to play down to their competition, turning the ball over, allowing too many points in the paint, not getting the offensive contribution it needs from guys like Udonis Haslem and James Jones, and generally playing like they just don't give a fuck. Even the normally sharp Shane Battier came to play like he didn't have a fuck to spare.
So the result was a sloppy game where the fast break points were non-existent and the interior defense was horsecocks.
But, BoshBalls came to the rescue with his season-high 35 points. Bosh went 10-for-16 for the game, and his 35 matched his highest points total as a member of the Heat.
Meanwhile, former Cleveland State point guard and current Miami point guard Norris Cole, did that thing where he refuses to pass the ball and dropped 10 points for the Heat. At one point, in a classic "I'M NORRIS COLE MUTHAFUCKA! WEEEEEEE!" moment, Cole simply blasted the ball at the basket, missing horribly and rocking it off the top of backboard. Norris Cole is fucking crazy, man.
Mario Chalmers added 9 points of his own, while Haslem contributed 11 rebounds.
With 4:26 remaining, Bosh decided it was time to take his one 3-point shot per night and drained a trey, giving the Heat the 75-67 lead, its biggest margin up to that point.
When the Cavs clawed back from that with a three of their own, Bosh followed with a drive to the basket that resulted in him getting hacked with an and-1.
Bosh then hit his free throw, and followed that up by nailing an 18-footer with a pump fake that got Cleveland's Antawn Jamison up into the air and floating away into the stratosphere like that guy who gets his chord cut by HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Bosh hit the shot, pointed at Mrs. Bosh in the stands, and then destroyed a car with his heat ray vision because he fucking can.
When asked about his bag-punching jumper after the game, Bosh told the media, "People say, 'Don't fall in love with it.' But it loves me so I just love it back."
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.