Choose Your Own Scary Barack Obama Biography
In this election there’s a lot of misinformation going around about both candidates, but let’s face it: The most outlandish gossip is about Barack Obama. The funny thing is that many of these rumors conflict with other rumors. Like, how can Obama be a Muslim if he has a crazy Christian preacher?
So as a favor to the most weak-minded of our conservative friends, we’ve put together a handy multiple-choice quiz to help you learn more about the man. It’s simple; pick whichever answer in each category that scares you the most and stick to it. No answer is more wrong than any other.
Obama is …
- a. a scary Muslim.
b. a separatist, cultish Christian with a white-hatin’, America-bashin’ preacher/BFF whose every word Obama takes as Gospel.
c. a Godless Atheist.
d. the Antichrist.
Obama’s father is …
- a. Barack Obama Sr., a Muslim and always has been, and even though he left the family when Barack was two years old, he clearly indoctrinated him with his beliefs.
b. Frank Marshall Davis, a radical Communist who had an affair with Obama’s mother.
c. Fidel Castro
d. the Devil, duh.
Obama was born in …
- a. Hawaii, but is actually a naturalized citizen because his mother was too young to give birth to a real American.
c. the depths of Hell.
d. Panama -- oh wait, that’s McCain.
As an eight-year-old, Barack Obama’s favorite pastime was …
- a. building bombs with William Ayers.
b. attending a radical Muslim school.
c. giving speeches about how the Iraq War is wrong.
d. charging extra taxes at his lemonade stand.
During Barack Obama’s career as a community organizer, he …
- a. Sold drugs.
b. was a member of the Black Panthers.
c. spent a lot of time hating white people.
d. made up this whole idea about “community organizers” because Sarah Palin doesn’t know what they are, and she knows everything, so it doesn’t exist.
Barack Obama’s political ideology is …
The state of Barack’s marriage to Michelle is …
- a. weak, because he had an affair.
b. a sham, because he is a dirty gay who does crack and gets blown by toothless dudes.
c. strong, because they are both gross, white-baby-killing Muslims who deserve each other.
d. well, ask Scarlet Johansson.
If Barack Obama wins the election...
- a. blacks will take over.
b. America will become a socialist state overnight.
c. all the white people will move to Alaska to join Todd Palin's political party and secede from the union.
d. the terrorist will have won.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.