Drive through Hialeah and you'll see a billboard advertising reggaeton pioneer Daddy Yankee's cologne, which launched a couple of months ago. It got us thinking: Miami might be ground zero for the celebrity fragrance industry. After all, nothing says image-conscious excess — our national specialty — like paying $49 for a sleek three-ounce bottle of star-blessed ferret piss.
So we've reviewed a few of the scents hawked by local glitterati.
Only, Julio Iglesias; True Star, Enrique Iglesias:
The stink: As far as we know, they're the world's only father and son to have fragrances. Insiders say both scents were modeled after the stage-thrown panties of lovelorn 40-year-old receptionists from Cleveland.
Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "Baby, I want you to reveal what you feel, all you hold deep inside; there is nothing I want you to hide... Pero would you mind emptying my trash on your way out?"
Miami Glow, Jennifer Lopez; I Am King, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs:
The stink: Mixing the fragrances promoted by these two who-invited-them-anyway SoBe vacationers can cause an explosive chemical reaction resulting in litigious flesh wounds to clubgoers, as well as the shattered careers of any marginally famous pop rappers nearby.
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Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "I asked for the 1977 vintage, bitch! Do you know who I am? [gunshots, grunts, and squealing Lincoln Navigator tires] Don't worry, Shyne — we'll come back for you!"
DY, Daddy Yankee:
The stink: He endorsed McCain, remember? According to perfume blog Now Smell This, this "fruity marine fougère" WMDs the nostrils with "ozonic mist, apple, ginger, basil, sage, cedar, Brazilian redwood, suede, and amber" — which is Mitt Romney's entire diet.
Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "If I accidentally get you pregnant, I will guilt you into having and secretly raising our love child by showing you grotesque blown-up photos of aborted fetuses."