Over the past year, Riptide has established itself as the global leader in Fidel Castro death- measurement technology. Give us a newly released propaganda photo of El Super Supremo, and our lab-coated head scientist, who looks like Jeff Goldblum, will feed it into a giant, whirring computer to determine just how dead Fidel is at the moment.
Last week, Fidel received an award from the Ecuadorian government for sending Cuban doctors to a mission for the disabled in that country -- in the same day, according to top-level Cuban sources, that he also solved Pi and masterfully copulated with the entire Honduran female volleyball team.
The Ecuadorian medal ceremony would be a perfect time to release a photo of a healthy Fidel, one would think. But instead, Cuba released a photo of Fidel at a similar ceremony seven months ago -- when, according to our archives, he was hovering between only 56 percent and 63 percent dead.
What is Cuba trying to hide? Just how dead is Fidel right now?
Our high-priced political and medical experts have good news: Fidel hasn't been this dead in ages. Take it away, geeks!
How dead is he?: 83 percent.
How dead is that?: According to our experts, noted deceasees such as Abraham Lincoln, Thelonious Monk, and Genghis Khan are actually alive in relation to Fidel's current level of death, which is confusing, we know, but hey, these guys have PhDs in this stuff. In related news, Fidel remains less dead than Cher.
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How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Now that Fidel is more than three-quarters dead, this country can feel relatively secure that he will not swim to the shores of Miami as swiftly as Michael Phelps and then sprint in Usain Bolt-esque fashion to Washington, D.C., to administer frontal wedgies to the entire U.S. Congress while the Secret Service is left hog-tied in a utility closet.