Nobody's paying attention to the totally dead antics of Fidel Castro. He's like the fourth-grade girl who wore Silly Bandz before it was kewl. Now that everybody's got death, el jefe supremo grande con extra jalapeños just doesn't feel special anymore.
But we believe that monitoring Castro's death level is of the utmost importance (to the Cafe Versailles waitstaff). So we got our high-priced scientists -- one of whom may or may not be the computer "Watson" from Jeopardy -- on the horn. They've calibrated Castro's Tweets, and one of the scientists stole a hair from his beard, and they crunched some algorithms, and came to a pretty shocking conclusion:
Fidel Castro is way more dead than Kim Jong Il.
Allow us to explain.
How dead is Fidel? 106%
How dead is that? The good news for the Obama-Kardashian Oligarchy Complex -- as Castro's regime is officially referring to the United States these days -- is that Fidel hasn't been this dead in decades. His body density is an estimated seventy percent maggots, and his presidential cabinet is now entirely composed of hungry condors. Satan is dragging him by his bloody, mud-covered fingernails into the deepest trenches of Hades, where he has a suite with a minibar.
Fidel Castro does remain less dead than Larry King.
The bad news, as learned from high-ranking Cuban government sources, is that Fidel Castro is still the strongest, most virile, and irresistible man in the world, having recently schooled Derrick Rose in a game of one-on-one using a U.S. spy's decapitated head as a basketball. Eight-by-fives of Fidel and Ryan Gosling were recently distributed to the Cuban populace, with 99.5% of women polled declaring el beardo to be totally the hottest. The other.5% were mistakenly polled at a school for the blind.
Kim Jong-Il, meanwhile, is so radically athletically awesome -- think Picabo Street with Ron Jeremy's junk-- that despite being dead, he is only about 87% dead, according to North Korean government officials. That's less dead than the entire viewing demographic of Everybody Loves Raymond.
How fearful should the American oligarchy be? The problem with Fidel is he gets really angry when he's super-dead. He may split an atom with his rotting wisdom teeth and build a nuclear bomb. He'll then kidnap Stephen Strasburg, the injured Washington Nationals pitcher, fix his arm with the magic of Cuban medicine, and force him to board a skiff and throw the bomb right at San Francisco.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
Or he may publish an article in Granma calling Barack Obama "El rey de los juevones". Truly harrowing.