Castro Death Meter: Experts Estimate Fidel Is Now Only 63 Percent Dead
Not that dead.
Could it really have been only January that Riptide, having gathered information from high-level sources within the Versailles Cafée waitstaff, declared Fidel Castro was "Totally Dying This Time, for Reals"?
Now it seems El Supremo is less dead than ever. Recent pictures show him outside, shaking hands with a Chinese parliament leader and wearing a dress shirt instead of the tracksuits he's been seen in since he fell ill in 2006. So either Castro has made a sudden resurgence of health or he's finally fired Paulie Walnuts as his official wardrobe czar. The Associated Press is clearly implying it's the former.
Not to be left out of the speculation, Miami New Times has hired several high-priced experts to estimate Castro's current level of death. Let's break it down:
How dead is he?: 63 percent.
How dead is that?: You know Mick Jagger? Yeah, now imagine Mick's dad, after injecting a tablespoon of heroin. Dead, but Castro's been way deader.
How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Very. While Castro might not be at Another-Bay-of-Pigs strength, he might be strong enough to dictate a letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences declaring that Kate Winslet is a capitalist harlot and her 2008 Best Actress Oscar should immediately be tossed into the Pacific Ocean.
If you're like us, complicated matters such as How Dead Castro Is are a lot simpler when handy visual aids are used. So, using stuff we found on the Internet and Microsoft Paint, we've created the following meter. Check in often; you never know if the percentage will go up or down, depending on the whims of his propaganda ministry. After all, tomorrow he could be pictured in swim trunks and water wings.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.