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Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/10

Charged with: DUI with damage to property or person, armed burglary, resisting officer without violence, escape
This guy looks like he spent his whole life getting the tattoos and the golds and the facial hair and then making this face in the mirror, all in anticipation of this moment. Way to live the dream, man.

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God
Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/9

Charged with: Grand theft auto, felony battery
Yep, these fellas were arrested together. Is there some Pizza Hut Eminem carjacking spree going on we didn't know about?

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/5

Charged with: Grand theft auto, strongarm robbery
We were gonna say this guy looks like a gangsta John Waters, but then we realized that John Waters is already pretty gangsta. Didn't he film a woman eating poop?

 

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/7

Charged with: Cruelty to animals, resisting officer with violence, grand theft auto, fleeing officer, driving while licensed suspended
There's something to be said for looking like a nice, regular-dad type who even kind of resembles Jack from Lost, but under your clothes you have a ton of prison tattoos and scars. If we were him, we'd wear a button-down shirt that we could burst open at all times.

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/6

Charged with: Possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia, carrying a concealed weapon, driving under the influence, introduction of an unlawful article into jail
Or you can go the other route and constantly broadcast that your are a Napoleonic villain.

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/9

Charged with: Drinking alcoholic beverage in public, robbery by sudden snatching
Ha ha, your hair! It looks like that character in Kingpin! You know, the one with Bill Murray about bowling? Bill Murray, the guy from Groundhog Day... shit, you spend all of your time drinking alcohol in public and doing robberies by sudden snatching, huh?

 

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/6

Charged with: Battery
How in hell did the cop withstand the persuasive powers of that face? "Me? Battery? That's absurd."

Bleach-Blond Carjackers, Gangsta John Waters, and God

Arrested: 11/8

Charged with: Cocaine possession, possession of drug paraphernalia
No wonder the world's been so off-kilter lately. God's been under arrest for crack possession.

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