There are a slew of talented NFL players from Miami we usually don't care too much about on Riptide unless they happen to play for the Canes or the Dolphins. Chad Ochocinco is the big exception. He is, after all, the most interesting football player in the world. He's practically a hero to us. But, man, apparently he throws the worst, skank-infested, boring parties ever. Like the type where you'd probably walk away with a strain of drug-resistant gonorrhea just for attending and didn't even have a good time getting it. Way to let us down, Ocho; way to let us down.
Then again, we think we're developing some sort of rash on our eyeballs for continuing to watch Basketball Wives.
First, our favorite bitch Evelyn and Jennifer went to Orlando to visit Glorida and her Orlando Magic husband Matt Barnes. The whole thing can be best summed up by Jennifer's quote: "Please, we're in South Beach. Orlando is like eeeechk."
Oh, Gloria and Matt have the best little basketball marriage ever with no infidelity. That's great, but Orlando is like eeeeeechk.
Oh, Gloria has Matt whipped so hard he cooks her and her friends dinner. That's sweet and all, but Orlando is like eeeeeeechk.
Meanwhile, Evelyn dumped Antoine Williams's broke ass, and Jennifer's husband is allegedly shooting free throws into the panties of an army of random skanks, but please, they're in South Beach, and Orlando is like eeeeechk.
Oh, the Magic is currently undefeated in its playoff campaign against the Bobcats, while the Heat is one loss from elimination. That's great, but Orlando is like eeeeeechk.
Thankfully, we were out of Micky Mouse land quickly enough and back to South Beach, where Jennifer decided to give Royce a makeover. See, even though Royce is in her late 20s, she stopped developing physically and mentally at 12.
Jennifer tried to dress her up in big-girl clothes (which apparently included a dress that exposed her entire bra). She got her hair cut in big-girl style. Jennifer made her put on about half a pound of makeup. She even forcibly inserted those creepy "chicken cutlet" breast enhancers to giver her big-girl boobies. At the end, she ended up looking like this:
All refined and lady-like. Royce cried from the unrestrained glamour. Meanwhile, a thousand NBA players who have a creepy thing for 12-year-old-looking groupies cried tears of their own for other reasons.
All dolled up, the Basketball Wives headed to what might or might not have been Ochocinco's Miami Beach casa for a big party. No one was there. Not even Ochocinco. Then again, it's completely possible he let VH1 shoot during only the early hours of the party, but honestly, it didn't look that great.
Ochocinco's party apparently smelled of mold, while rain poured down on his back yard. To be fair, the low attendance and stench could have been attributed to the appearance of Sandra, a "model." The light drizzle follows her around everywhere she goes, because angels weep gentle tears down from Heaven over what she allowed plastic surgeons to do to her face. Would you show up to a party where this girl was hawking some liquor, even if it was thrown by Ochocinco?
Sandra even makes Orlando look respectable, because this girl is like the definition of eeeeeeechk.
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The Basketball Wives put aside whatever differences they had and zoned in on Sandra. Royce didn't even thrust her vagina.
They surrounded Sandra, because apparently Jennifer's husband, Eric Williams, had been seen talking to her.
Honestly, Jennifer, if your man stoops to these levels, is he really worth keeping?