Unless you're stuck in some Jack McKeon-like time warp in which Twitter relies on actual messenger pigeons, you've probably heard by now that Barack Obama punched yesterday's election in the crotch. And unless your name is Mitt Romney and you've permanently foregone alcohol and caffeine, your brain is probably a soggy mush of post-celebratory/funereal booze and Election Night energy drinks this morning.
So we're going to make this easy on you. Here's our single-word review of everything that happened last night, starting with Obama's victory.
Obama's victory speech: Lincoln-y
Obama's margin of victory: Nate-Silver-y
Mitt Romney's Election Day performance: Meh
Romney's concession speech: Short
Romney's face during concession speech: Puffy
(Allergic reaction to losing? Inconsolable backstage sobbing?)
Romney's audience: Chalky
Obama's audience: Grad-student-y
Joe Biden: Plastered
Romney's one and only official portrait
Miami-Dade County: Atrasado
Bill Nelson: Grapenuts
Connie Mack: Grapenutted
Allen West: Ballotf*cked
David Rivera: Corruptif*cked
Michele Bachmann: F*cked?
Alan Grayson: Back
County Commissioners: Limited
Miami Herald/Tampa Bay Times/Mason-Dixon poll that showed Romney up by 6 percentage points: Oops
Obama's future: Fiscal-Cliff-Avoidance
Romney's future: Pilates
America's future: Bright
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Pete Souza via wikimedia commons