Although the Magic City is in the Sunshine State, most Americans don't think Miamians are very bright. In fact many regard us as coked-out, bikini-clad, rollerblading supermodel chongas who have Pollo Tropical surgically sucked from our thighs while we play dominoes with Crockett, Tubbs, and a mojito-drinking flamingo.
Yet outside Zeke's Roadhouse (625 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach) on a Saturday around midnight, a different type of crowd occupies the Salvation Army-salvaged tables. The scene is local, young, eclectic, and T-shirt heavy. People talk rather than grind, and wear hoodies instead of downing hoodia. Plus, with 80 varieties of beer — local, domestic, and imported — for three bucks a pop, Zeke's is no place for jerk-offs. Just about everyone here has an opinion on presidential politics.
Mike, a spiky-haired twentysomething who's checking IDs at the door, is the first to spout a view about the presidential election. Republicano John McCain, he says, has "a foot fetish."
sex with presidential candidates
"Why do you think so?" I ask.
"Just because he's creepy-looking."
Next he tackles the guy's most likely running mate. "Mike Huckabee," he guesses, is into "animal or child porn ... because he's even creepier-looking than McCain."
Nearby, 26-year-old Manny, a tall rocker decked out in all black and a fauxhawk, slams some Guinness as he ponders whether Hillary Clinton would have hotter sex with McCain or Barack Obama. Finally, he answers, "McCain, because they're both she-men."
"What does a she-man eat?" I ask.
"Bologna," comes the response.
"To match their bologna nipples, you know, like, extra-large nipples."
"Who do you think has bigger bologna nipples — McCain or Clinton?"
"McCain all the way," he says, inching into the thick crowd. "He makes me hungry for lunch meat."
Then Miguel, a sassy, chubby-cheeked guy outside, opines that Obama would be better in bed than Clinton. "He's younger, he looks good, he's got thin, little muscles. When I first saw him, I was like, 'Hey, Obama, what up?'... Obama — it's just the kind of name you want to yell out in bed."
A nearby drag queen in a yellow tutu has another opinion. She's a mime with a full white mask. Someone whispers to me that her (clever) name is "Anita Face."
Asked who's the better lay, Ms. Face pantomimes a large penis with her index fingers.
I suggest this means Obama.
She shakes her head no.
"Hillary's penis," somebody laughs.
Then Anita scampers off toward neighboring gay mecca Score (727 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach) as Miguel describes Clinton's charms. "As a gay man, I picture Hillary dominating in bed in a masculine way, and it's completely a turn-off. I mean, there's a reason why Bill cheated on her."
"Being gay, do you think you innately have some gaydar in you?"
"Kind of, yeah."
"Do you sense any gayness from Hillary?"
"She does wear a lot of shoulder pads."
"Who would make a good girlfriend for Hillary?"
"Janis Dickenson — you know, to counterbalance all that conservatism. She'd probably rip off Hillary's tits and eat them. There probably would be a lot of scissoring between those two ... Hillary's smart, she's intellectual. You can tell she doesn't need a man. Everything about Hillary is cleverly contrived."
"Do you think she's the kind who cries after sex?"
Miguel pauses and takes a sip of his Honey Amber Rose: "With Bill? Probably."
Shiloh, a lanky man sitting alone at a patio table nearby, thinks McCain and Obama would make a fine gay couple. "I mean, maybe you'd catch McCain slapping Barack's hand away in public sometimes, trying to downplay the PDA and all," he says, tossing his longish, wild dirty-blond hair. "But you know behind the scenes they're cuddling up and spooning."
"Who spoons whom?"
"McCain spoons Barack."
"What do you think sex between Hillary and Barack would be like?" I ask.
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"A lot of screaming, a lot of crying, a lot of begging, but I think Barack would like it that way."
"Do you think that's a good quality for a president?"
Shiloh takes a long swig of his Blue Moon Belgian White. "In that regard," he says with a dimpled smirk, "Hillary would be a better president. I mean, if you really want someone to continue fucking the rest of the world, Hillary would definitely be the best candidate to go with."
Screwing everyone? Now that's 305!