Doesn't the whole "balloon boy hoax" boondoggle feel like something that should have happened in South Florida? It's one of those things where if you try to understand what might have motivated somebody to do something so dumb, you can feel your own brain melting a bit. Did the parents think that once the police were informed that it was actually just a big joke, and that the missing kid was in the garage playing Pokemon, that the cops would have a big chuckle and give the kid a lollipop? Are we living in a Dennis the Menace strip?
Anyway. We have three more regional morons to inaugurate. The envelopes, please...
1. Florida Memorial University's Dirty Harry
We're referring, of course, to the yet-unidentified security guard who pulled his handgun and pointed it indiscriminately at a crowd of unarmed students. OK, that's dumb -- especially when one of the students is holding an iPhone in the air. The kid is not trying to get a better connection, Sarge -- he's filming you! But the dumbest part about the whole thing was the way the square-badge held his gun: sideways. What in hell is this, Menace II Society? By the way, the best part of the video is how none of the students shows the slightest reaction when he pulls the gun. This is Miami, dude: If you want to scare somebody, you better bring a bazooka.
2. Diego Montoya Sanchez
Don't get us wrong -- we love druglords. Weighing boxes of cash, wearing gold and linen over lustrous chest hair, and keeping a white tiger on a leash beats blogging any day. But there's something really annoying about the contrite kingpin -- like the guy in Blow after he's been caught the 12th and final time, or all of the remorseful aged smugglers in Cocaine Cowboys. Would you really be so haunted by regret if you hadn't, you know, lost a high-priced legal battle after being tracked for years and captured by international law enforcement agents? Mickey Munday, if you hadn't been busted, would you or would you not still be in that speedboat fishing kilos out of the bay?
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So this week, convicted Colombian cartel kingpin Diego Montoya Sanchez got all last-20-minutes-of-the-film on us and explained to a Miami court at length how really, really sorry he was for his actions. Then the judge said, "There's an unclaimed planeload of cocaine coming into the Everglades. You want to do one more score before we lock you up forever?" Montoya Sanchez's eyes lit up. Then the judge yelled, "Psyche!"
3. Katharine Cue
For weeks, our Francisco Alvarado has been vociferously waving documents that show Hialeah councilwoman Katharine Cue is not an official resident of that city. Now it might cost the lass her job. Daniel Bolaños is suing to get her off the ballot for the upcoming election. C'mon, Katharine, is it really that difficult to live in Hialeah? Wait -- don't answer that. Unfortunately, her alternative, Bolaños, is a disgraced cop who was once accused of beating up everybody within a five-mile radius -- more bad news for actual residents of Hialeah.