Dear South Beach Residents Who Say We Never Visit Them Anymore Since They Moved to the Beach:
We've noticed you never want to part ways with your precious little 33139. That's fine. You're still good people. We still wanna be friends, but if you refuse to leave the Beach, this will never be anything but a passing acquaintanceship because, dear Lord, we the non-Beach heathens of the rest of Miami-Dade, are not gonna cart our asses across the bay every time you feel like letting us bask in your rarified presence.
While we appreciate your invitations, the following will not inspire us to take our talents to South Beach:
- A "happy hour" that involves a thimble-and-a-half of house gin being poured into a tall, thin glass filled to the top with crushed ice for $8.
- Shopping: Any stores you have that we don't already have on the mainland we probably don't want to shop at anyway (or, OK, can't afford).
- Eating at any restaurant that pesters you with flyers when you walk by.
- Any event with a high Eurotrash factor.
- A job where paying for parking for the day costs more than 15 minutes of an hourly wage.
- Because you're bored on a weekend night and have nothing to do, but, whoops, you're out of parking passes. No, the $15 garage fee is not worth it.
- Any event "hosted by" any washed up celebrity who was paid to be there.
- Going to any art event on the Beach that doesn't happen during Art Basel. Have fun at the Britto showplace.
- Partying at a club that will surely shut down in six months.
- Anything involving bottle service.
- A house party at your shared studio apartment.
- Going to any sports bar to catch a game. We'd rather not be surrounded by non-Miami fans.
- To see a DJ or musician who is charging twice as much for admission as when we saw him last year at a mainland club.
To drive a car over the causeway instead of, uh, well, driving it around our beloved city, it needs to be worth it. The following invitations might -- might -- get us onto the Beach.
- You're absolutely certain you've gotten us on the list for an event we'd actually want to stay more than an hour at.
- A day at the beach. Let's be honest, we're not going to Key Biscayne. But you provide the alcohol and promise to stay for more than two hours. That's great you can walk to it anytime you want, but we're getting our tanning lotion's worth.
- Dinner at Pubbelly or Yardbird, but please be advised that the next dinner is at Michael's Genuine or Michy's.
- A really hot party during Basel or WMC, but we mean like the kind we'd kick ourselves for not attending. Not something like a Sylvester Stallone-hosted thing DJed by Pauly D.
- Those three times a year when the Fillmore books a band we actually want to see.
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Under no circumstances will we visit you during, say, New Year's Eve, the Boat Show, or Memorial Day weekend.
Really, though, you're always invited to visit us on the mainland. We won't gouge you on parking -- well, often. That cutie you're eyeing on the other side of the bar isn't flying back to Dubai or NYC the next morning. Our neck of the woods is forever changing and evolving. Yours is still trying to recapture the glory it had in the '80s and '90s but with twice the bottle service and attitude and half the fun. We love you. We're glad you're happy living there. That's great. We're just not visiting you that often.
Your 33137 Friend.