With a matchup between Nick Satan and the preachy half of the Catholics vs Convicts rivalry, South Florida would have been perfectly happy if an epic bout of Montezuma's revenge had cancelled the whole BCS title game last night. Unfortunately for the rest of the country, only one of the teams at Sun Life Stadium actually crapped their pants.
After Alabama atom-smashed Notre Dame 42-14, all that was left was for fans to debate whether this was in fact the most boring title game ever.
The answer is yes. This was indeed the worst championship game since the BCS started in 1998, thanks to the Fighting Irish's epic awfulness.
Alabama was up 14-0 before most watch parties could pour their first Natty Light and get the salsa in order. Then Notre Dame trotted out one embarrassment after another: Third down passes sailing into the crowd, running backs body slammed for 10-yard losses, Al Roker sharting at the line of scrimmage, punt returners treating the ball like greased-up hand grenades.
It was tiresome, sad, and so, so goddam boring. By the time half time rolled in with a 28-0 Alabama lead, the college football world was in full revolt:
There's only been one bigger blowout in a BCS title game. It came two title games back at Sun Life, in fact, when USC throttled Oklahoma by 46 points in 2004. But at least that game featured a sublime Reggie Bush darting around and bamboozling the ladies, an entertaining Matt Leinart and a Sooners team that didn't look like it had picked the turd sandwich buffet as the pre-game meal.
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The only reason last night's game finished at a 28-point margin of victory is because the Tide won the thing in the first half and then strolled to the finish line like fancy Southern gentlemen out for their Sunday constitutionals.
Even ESPN -- which took it as a personal mission to inflate the Bama-Notre Dame matchup as the Greatest Matchup on Earth Ever By Human Beings -- had to admit in their postgame wrap that they "could almost hear television sets around the country flipping to other channels."
The problem here is obvious: Without a playoff, college football has to just guess who the two best teams in the country are. They got exactly half of that equation right last night.