A Cold Wet Dose of Reality to Our Collective Groins Courtesy of the Houston Texans
The Miami Dolphins dropped to 2-3 after a frustrating 29-28 loss to the Texans yesterday.
When the Fins defense caught two early interceptions and Patrick Cobbs scored a 53-yard and an 80-yard touchdown, and it seemed like Joey Porter was going to turn Texans left tackle Duane Brown into his own personal hand-puppet and have himself a career day, and we took that early 14-3 lead, we all figured we could just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Then the Dolphins’ weaknesses kicked in. And they kicked in hard and often. And hard. And often.
First off, there's the special teams. Holy titty-fuck does this unit suck! The Dolphins coverage team gift wrapped that win for the Texans with a pretty little bow, while taking a shit in a box and FedExing it to us, the fans. Simply put, Houston’s Jacoby Jones' 70-yard touchdown return was the difference in this game. No question. He doesn't take it to the house, Miami wins. Period.
Secondly, the Dolphins secondary is highly combustible, and quite possibly lathered in Vaseline. Miami’s D gave up a whopping 485-total yards, including 379 passing yards from Texans QB Matt Schaub, a guy who literally lost seven pounds a week ago after being hospitalized when he got some weird Amazon rain forest virus up his ass. This week, he bounces back and has a career day. And let's not forget the craptastic showing from the defense on the final drive of the game. Twice, Miami had the Texans on 4th down. Of course, Texans receiver Andre Johnson makes a spectacular 23-yard catch on 4th and 10 and sets things up for the kill. Several plays later, Schaub is waltzing into the endzone like he's taking a stroll in the park. Cockpunch engaged. Game over (oh, and here's a concept the coaches should consider: when something is working, STICK WITH IT! Whenever the defense put pressure on Schaub, he would wilt faster than I do whenever I imagine Rosie O'Donnell naked. Why the Fins didn't keep sending guys into Schaub's face all the live-long day, especially in the second half, is beyond me).
Finally: only 11 carries for Ronnie? That's a sure-fire way to get your ass handed to you real quick like.
So, we failed to make it to .500, and we're 0-4 lifetime against the Texans. Our weaknesses have been exposed -- again. But these are things that can be fixed, so all is not lost. Plus, we have Cam Cameron and the Ravens coming to pay us a visit this Sunday. That should be enough to get us going again.
For now, we're just going to have to go about our week simmering in this awful bitterness and wondering "what-if."
-- Chris Joseph
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Erika Now Projected To Miss South Florida
Fri., Sep. 4, 11:30am
Fri., Sep. 4, 6:35pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 11:30am
Sat., Sep. 5, 7:00pm
- Miami's Latin Builders Association Calls Donald Trump "Repugnant," Pulls Gala From His...
- Micky Arison Teases Internet With Miami Vice-Style Heat Jerseys