If the Heat wins tonight, it will be a citywide fist punch to the fart box of all the haters around the world. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook can go back to wearing their lensless glasses in the obscurity of Oklahoma City. And Charles Barkley can quietly choke on his stupid diet meals.
Miami can't simply spit the nation's hate back at it, however. Yes, there will undoubtedly be many an inappropriate photo sent to Heat-hater Skip Bayless. We wouldn't have it any other way. But we've got to properly celebrate this title, and in our own style.
So, here are 29 suggestions for how to crown the Heat as NBA champions -- one for each of the points that LeBron James has averaged over the course of the series.
29. Peacefully express our exuberance in public... Yeah, right. What is this, Indiana?
28. Set something on fire, preferably small and smokable. No cars, though. And no people. That life-size cardboard cutout of Dirk Nowitzki sure would burn nicely, though.
17. Throw a bar mitzvah for Erik Spoelstra, because the boy has now officially become a man.
16. Flash mob South Beach dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice.
15. Rename all condoms as James Hard-ons, because that guy only shoots blanks in this town.
14. Tweet perennial Heat-hater and Uncle Luke-dodger Skip Bayless a picture of your balls. And by that we mean your genitals; your scrotum; your sack. If that's illegal*, however, a picture of LeBron James making sweet love to the trophy will do just fine.
13. Make Pat Riley mayor for life.
12. Officially pardon LeBron's mom for slapping that valet.
9. Get drugged by Russian B-girls, pass out in club, wake up in the morning next to a terrible painting that you supposedly paid $20,000 for. Not give a shit because the Heat still won the NBA Finals last night.
Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He has also written for the New York Times, Newsweek, the Atlantic, Chicago Magazine, Village Voice, the New York Daily News, and VQR. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.