If the Heat wins tonight, it will be a citywide fist punch to the fart box of all the haters around the world. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook can go back to wearing their lensless glasses in the obscurity of Oklahoma City. And Charles Barkley can quietly choke on his stupid diet meals.
Miami can't simply spit the nation's hate back at it, however. Yes, there will undoubtedly be many an inappropriate photo sent to Heat-hater Skip Bayless. We wouldn't have it any other way. But we've got to properly celebrate this title, and in our own style.
So, here are 29 suggestions for how to crown the Heat as NBA champions -- one for each of the points that LeBron James has averaged over the course of the series.
28. Set something on fire, preferably small and smokable. No cars, though. And no people. That life-size cardboard cutout of Dirk Nowitzki sure would burn nicely, though.
27. Buy those Seattle zombie guys a beer.
26. Buy a homeless dude a beer. Make sure to pour one out for Ronald Poppo.
25. Stuff your face into a Tony Montana-esque mound of pure Colombian yayo.
24. Bang those pots and pans, Hialeah style mami.
23. Throw a parade through Little Havana. Make sure to explain to the Heat players that yes, they are still in Miami.
22. Stop the team bus at Versailles Cafe. Douse Chris Bosh in cortadito.
21. Have an intervention with Dwayne Wade: "Listen dude, thanks for the second title and all but you really have got to ditch those pink pants."
20. Spray paint a trophy on the Heat mural in Wynwood.
19. Play "Where In the World Is Zydrunas Ilgauskas?"
18. Do the Ronny Turiaf dance.
17. Throw a bar mitzvah for Erik Spoelstra, because the boy has now officially become a man.
16. Flash mob South Beach dressed as Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice.
15. Rename all condoms as James Hard-ons, because that guy only shoots blanks in this town.
14. Tweet perennial Heat-hater and Uncle Luke-dodger Skip Bayless a picture of your balls. And by that we mean your genitals; your scrotum; your sack. If that's illegal*, however, a picture of LeBron James making sweet love to the trophy will do just fine.
13. Make Pat Riley mayor for life.
12. Officially pardon LeBron's mom for slapping that valet.
11. Reclaim club LIV from those Dallas Maverick bastards.
10. Rename the AAA LBJ Arena.
9. Get drugged by Russian B-girls, pass out in club, wake up in the morning next to a terrible painting that you supposedly paid $20,000 for. Not give a shit because the Heat still won the NBA Finals last night.
8. Get laid. Nine months from now, name your newborn Mario/a Chalmers. Or as D-Wade would say: Mario/a mothafuckin' Chalmers, mothafucka.
7. Draft a center, for the love of baby Jesus.
6. Print t-shirts that read: "Thunder Down!"
5. Wear thigh wraps over our clothes in honor of Game Six.
4. Take that "Never Had a Girlfriend Guy" to King of Diamonds.
3. Tell LeBron to start taking batting practice. The Marlins could use him.
2. Brashly promise that the Heat will win "not one, not two, not three... etc." more trophies.
1. Celebrate our balls off for one night, then wake up Friday morning having totally forgotten that Miami has a professional basketball team. But hey, Dolphins training camp opens soon...
