25 People, Animals or Things We'd Rather See Play QB Than Tyler Thigpen
Last night, in perhaps the most dire example of the Marino Curse ever, the Miami Dolphins suffered only their second shutout on their home field in the past 40 years in a 16-0 pummeling by the Chicago Bears. Yes, with Brandon Marshall went out with a hamstring injury. And, yes, the coaching was particularly awful. So it's hard to place the blame on just one particular person or thing, but my god Tyler Thigpen made us miss the days of Cleo Lemon. (Anyone remember him? No. He's lead his CFL team to a playoff birth. Cleo Lemon, playoff quarterback. How about that?).
Maybe Thigpen will find his footing and improve and lead the team to a late season resurgence, or maybe we'd be better off with just about anyone or anything playing quarterback. In fact, here, off the top of our heads, are 25 people, animals or things we'd rather see play quarterback than Tyler Thigpen.
- An actual dolphin
- Brett Favre's severed penis -- at least no one will want to sack it.
- Spencer Whipple
- Who was that third string quarterback of that beloved Miami football team who came into the season due to the two guys in front of him being injured in a single game and after a shaky start proved to be an all-star talent and lead the team to the Pantheon Cup championship game? Willie Beaman! Oh, that was just an Oliver Stone movie? Oh, does that actually mater at this point?
- Helen Hunt circa 1983
- A traffic cone
- A pig, then?
- A teenager who just chugged three Four Lokos -- apparently that shit makes them think they can do anything.
- 49-year-old Dan Marino
- 49-year-old clams casino
- 65-year-old Bob Griese
- This lil' guy
- A resurrected Lynne Thigpen
- If all Thigpen is gonna do is rush let's just make Ricky Williams the QB and call it a day
- Any random guy named Chad
- The leftover hanging chads from 2000.
- Joey Harrin... Trent Gr... John... Oh God, no, I can't bring myself to finish any of those. Not even as a joke.
- Before ruining NBC, Jeff Zucker's childhood dream was to play for the Dolphins. He needs a job now anyway.
- An offense actually led by a Wildcat, preferably freshly escaped from Jungle Island
- Minority-owner Gloria Estefan
- Horatio Caine's sunglasses
- Howard Schnellenberger's pipe
- You. Yes, you reading this right now. Just go over to Sun Life Stadium and ask for the job.
- And Miami's solution to everything: Cocaine. Yep, let's just put a giant pile of cocaine on the field, right there behind the center, and see what happens. Probably more fun to watch than whatever happened last night.
Damn, and we did that without making a single joke about letting LeBron play. You totally thought we were gonna go there, didn't you?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.