2015 Is Going To Be Crazy Weird

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes bold predictions for 2015.

In 2014, people fed up with white cops killing unarmed black men marched in the streets and on highways. Protests in Miami even shut down traffic during Art Basel. Rev. Al Sharpton was exposed as an FBI snitch, and LeBron James left Miami to go home to Cleveland. The Miami Hurricanes' football coach, Al Golden, and Dolphins head man Joe Philbin kept their jobs despite the disappointing mediocrity of both teams.

The U.S. Supreme Court effectively ended a gay-marriage ban in Florida, President Barack Obama normalized diplomatic relations with Cuba, and medical marijuana failed despite receiving more votes than any candidate for governor and the state cabinet.

How will 2015 top that? Here are my predictions:

  • The Miami Herald will go all digital and stop printing an actual newspaper. With daily circulation at an all-time low of 86,000 copies and ad campaigns encouraging subscribers to pick up their newspapers at a distribution center to save money, it's only a matter of time before Miami's once-proud daily stops the presses.
  • Jeb Bush will persuade the University of Miami's board of trustees to tap former secretary of state Condoleezza Rice as Donna Shalala's successor as UM president. It's all part of Jeb's presidential campaign strategy to convince black voters that the Bushes create jobs for African-Americans.
  • County Commissioner Javier Souto will announce his retirement from American politics and run for president of Cuba in 2018 when Raúl Castro resigns. The high-octane commissioner will take advantage of Obama's brilliance in bringing Democratic change to Cuba. Souto's campaign slogan: "We built Miami."
  • The Miami Dolphins will trade quarterback Ryan Tannehill, move up in the draft, and take Jameis Winston from Florida State as their next franchise quarterback. Joe's Stone Crab will quickly ban Winston before he can even visit the restaurant.

Tune into Luke on The Andy Slater Show every Tuesday from 2 to 5 p.m. on Miami's Sports Animal 940 AM.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1 and @unclelukesempir.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


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