Come next Tuesday, Miami will likely be one step closer to getting its first real Major League Soccer team (sorry, Fusion, but Fort Lauderdale doesn't count). That's when county commissioners will vote on whether to allow Mayor Carlos Gimenez to identify possible stadium locations and enter talks with private developers.
Yesterday there were (bogus) rumors that the team could be called Miami Beckham United. It turns out that's just the name of a corporation belonging to David Beckham, who is the man behind Miami's expected MLS expansion franchise.
But it got us thinking: What should the team be called? Here are 15 possible names.
We might as well start with the obvious: animals. Amazingly, unlike other leagues, the MLS doesn't have any clubs named after savage beasts. The closest it comes is the New York Red Bulls, and that's really after the energy drink. "Gators" is taken. So are "Pelicans" and "Panthers." "Pythons" seems unlikely given that they have no legs. So why not the "Miami Anhingas"? Those fuckers are everywhere.
Then again, many Americans -- or Miamians, for the matter -- have a hard time saying "anhingas," so it might be better to stick with another, more classic Miami bird: the flamingo. But the name won't exactly terrify opponents, will it?
What will strike fear into more straight-laced visitors, however, would be the "Miami Chongas." Nobody outside South Florida knows what the fuck a chonga is, so when the opposing team arrives and finds Juleisy and Karla in its locker room, we'll already be halfway to victory.
If it were down to pure alliteration, the Miami Marksmen would be perfect. But let's be honest. Most of the people attending these games will be Hispanic, many of them recently arrived from Latin America. And what is the scariest shit in Latin America? Sicarios (hit men). We always hit our target.
Atlético de Miami:
This one is straightforward and classy. It's reminiscent of Atlético de Madrid and would go well with a suit-clad David Beckham standing in a skybox. On the downside, it might be a bit of a mouthful for his cockney accent: Af-leh-i-co day Mi-ah-mi.
Posh Spice FC:
Let's call a spice a spice. A lot of the dudes who'll go to these games will go not so much for the soccer, but for a glimpse of Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice. (If you need to Google "Spice Girls," you will not be welcome in Scary Spice Stadium.) Fifty-foot banners of Mrs. Beckham on the stadium exterior would also go along way to beautifying the Port of Miami, where the stadium might be built.
Another animal, but this one has a double meaning. Of course, actual mules are proudly stubborn creatures that were used to build Miami. More important, however, are the mules who bring drugs into the Magic City -- poof! -- by smuggling them in their body cavities. The name is extra-appropriate considering the stadium's proposed site at the port, where countless kilos have been smuggled into this city over the decades. The Miami Mules: Stubborn on defense, sneaky on offense. Sounds perfect.
Miami United/Red Devils/Diablos Rojos:
These may sound lame, but they are more likely than you think. Beckham spent the best years of his career playing for Manchester United, a team with a massive international fan base but far behind among Latin Americans to Real Madrid and Barcelona. United's biggest rival, Manchester City, just inked a deal with the MLS to own stakes in another expansion team, NYCFC. So it makes sense that Man Utd. would try to keep up. As a bonus, the move would add fuel to the already heated Miami-New York rivalry.
OK. OK. Unlikely because of the fact that zombies are usually slow and mindless -- not the qualities you want in your soccer team. But they could be, like, 28 Days Later zombies, all fast and shit. And unlike San Francisco, we can actually lay claim to the team title.
Sharks are passé, but barracudas are just as badass.
What do all Miamians love? Maduros. True, it's not the most athletic-sounding slogan (neither was the Fusion), but imagine 20,000 people packed into a stadium downtown, munching on maduros while spurring on a soccer team of the same name. If we can all put aside our differences to root for a
plate pitch of fried plátanos, I predict an end to all interracial violence in this city.
The Miami Meh
The rest of the country assumes our MLS team will flop because Miamians supposedly don't give a crap about anything. So we might as well make light of the cliché.
Or we could just call ourselves the Miami M-16s and embrace our brutally violent side. There are almost as many of these in this city as maduros, anyway.
Really, I just want to be on a first-name basis with David Beckham. Who wouldn't?
Becks in a white linen suit. Posh in a coke-stained minidress. And a team full of bruisers dressed like Colombian drug runners? Oh, God. Please make this happen.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
One thing is certain: Whatever we're called, we are gonna kick Orlando's ass.
Follow this author on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.