Don't take it from us. Listen to the eternal words of the Flaming Lips on Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots: "Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?"
Dark, yes. But not necessarily depressing! Because for now, you still have plenty time to live. Live, dammit! That means unplugging your iPhone, turning off your Netflix, and actually doing stuff. Even better news: You live in one of Planet Earth's most madcap, maddening, and amazing cities.
To help you get off your ass and enjoy the fleeting moments of consciousness that remain, New Times has put together your very own Miami bucket list. These are the 100 tasks you simply must accomplish in the Magic City before you die.
1. Bike the full 15-mile Shark Valley loop through the Everglades.
2. Close down Mac's Club Deuce and then get La Sandwicherie at 5 a.m.
3. Kayak through Oleta State Park.
4. Watch New Year's fireworks from the sand on South Beach.
5. Drink with the yacht crowd on Monument Island.
6. Take a road trip to Alabama Jack's for conch fritters.
7. Pick strawberries at Knaus Berry Farm.
8. Get a 4 a.m. drunken fritanga at Yambo.
9. Watch the world's best players at Miami Jai-Alai.
10. Scuba-dive at the sunken Jesus statue at John Pennekamp Coral Reef State Park.
11. See the sun rise over SoBe from atop the 1111 Lincoln Rd. parking garage.
12. Get stoned and go to Coral Castle.
13. Crash a quinceañera photo shoot at Vizcaya.
14. Argue politics at Versailles' ventana.
15. Buy a San Lazaro candle at a botanica.
16. Catch a spontaneous rara band on the streets of Little Haiti.
17. Do acrobatics in one of those water-spraying jet packs.
18. Take a speedboat tour from Bayside Marketplace.
19. String up a hammock between palms at Crandon Park.
20. Bid on ultra-rare mangoes at Fairchild Tropical Botanical Garden's International Mango Festival auction.
21. Sneak into Miami Marine Stadium to check out the graffiti.
22. Score an entire outfit at Opa-locka/Hialeah Flea Market.
23. Get naked on Haulover Beach.
24. Make it rain at King of Diamonds.
25. Brave the bathrooms at Churchill's Pub.
26. Catch a drag brunch at Palace on Ocean Drive.
27. Take in a Northwestern versus Central High School football game.
28. Swim at Venetian Pool.
29. Make out on a beach after dark.
30. Dance for 12 hours straight at Ultra Music Festival.
31. Pop bottles at an Opium Group club.
32. Race to drink a case of beers on a single circuit of Metromover.
33. DJ at a bar.
34. Lose a game of dominoes on Calle Ocho.
35. Get inked at Ocho Placas.
36. Work out shirtless on "muscle beach" in Lummus Park.
37. Trek to Homestead for Mexican food.
38. Visit E11even at 11 a.m. on a Monday.
39. Cruise the Christmas lights along Old Cutler Road.
40. Break into the abandoned missile silos in the Everglades.
No chance you can beat the viejos at dominoes.
Photo by Scott Alexander via Miami New Times Flickr pool
41. Stay up for Spam Allstars' late-night Thursday residency at Hoy Como Ayer.
42. Get cosmetic surgery.
43. Set a new record for free tacos consumed at Wood Tavern's Free Taco Tuesdays.
44. Get smashed at 8 a.m. on a one-day cruise to Bimini.
45. Drink coconut and mango wine at Schnebly Redland's Winery, the nation's southernmost winery.
46. Find a dolphin in Biscayne Bay.
47. Elbow your way through the crowd for fresh Argentine pastries at Buenos Aires Café.
48. Ride a Citi Bike from South Beach across the Venetian Causeway to Wynwood.
49. Run with Raven.
50. Get a super-obvious Miami tat: "305 Till I Die," a flamingo, or an orange.
You haven't lived in Miami until you've argued about Castro at Versailles.
Photo by Trevor Bach
51. Appear as an extra in a Pitbull video.
52. See a shark, most likely in the water right next to you.
53. Climb a coconut tree and discover it was not worth the effort.
54. Get a grill (in your mouth).
55. Shamelessly take a selfie with a celebrity at LIV.
56. Walk around with a tropical pet -- such as a parrot, python, or iguana -- on your shoulder.
57. Watch a tourist buy drugs on Collins Avenue.
58. Get your fortune told.
59. Stumble upon a Santería doll, relic, or cauldron and get freaked out.
60. Take steroids and/or HGH to become one of the beautiful people.
61. Date a model.
62. Drink so many colada shots that you can't concentrate.
63. Form irrationally strong opinions about the Cuban embargo.
64. Swerve into the express lanes on I-95 without paying.
65. Bike across the Rickenbacker Causeway.
Not always strictly legal, but tagging Wynwood is a must.
Photo by Sean R. Sullivan via Miami New Times Flickr pool
66. Rent a scooter (but for God's sake not a Segway).
67. Tag a building in Wynwood.
68. Buy a milkshake at Robert Is Here.
69. Talk your way into Art Basel to ogle the Picassos.
70. Memorize the Donald Justice poem that begins, "I will die in Miami in the sun..."
71. Attend a backyard brawl.
72. Get sunburned to hell at a summer afternoon game at Sun Life Stadium.
73. Take molly and make love to a tree.
74. Roller-skate at Super Wheels to Debbie Deb's "When I Hear Music."
75. Buy stylish airbrushed apparel at Santa's Enchanted Forest.
Critical Mass takes over Miami streets once a month.
Photo by Michael E. Miller
76. Party at Club Space until sunrise.
77. Get lost amid Hialeah's illogically numbered streets.
78. Ride in Critical Mass.
79. Dance away a night at Purdy Lounge.
80. Catch a jazz show at Jackson Soul Food.
81. Climb the lighthouse in Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park.
82. Brown-bag a bottle of wine while strolling around Second Saturday Art Walk.
83. Skydive over Biscayne Bay.
84. Drive to Key Largo to catch a sunset at Gilbert's Resort.
85. Take a ghost tour of the Biltmore Hotel to learn about Prohibition-era murders.
86. Rent a party boat and get drunk on Nixon Sandbar.
87. Jump into the Clevelander's pool during a Marlins game.
88. From the deck at Casablanca or Garcia's Seafood, watch barges work the Miami River.
89. Catch a view of the Everglades from atop Icon Brickell.
90. Watch the Russian billionaires at Bal Harbour Shops.
Is the Biltmore really haunted? Only one way to find out.
Photo by D Quiros via Miami New Times Flickr pool
91. Valet your beater at the Delano.
92. Do nochebuena right with a full-on lechón roast.
93. Blaze up a cigar you just watched being hand-rolled on Calle Ocho.
94. Get a permit to hunt Burmese pythons in the Everglades.
95. Grill a fish you caught yourself on a deep-sea trip.
96. Eat so much at the South Beach Wine & Food Festival that you can't walk home.
97. Shoot a hole under par at the Blue Monster.
98. Vote for a politician who later gets indicted.
99. Lie your way onto Fisher Island.
100. Take the celebrity house-spotting boat tour around the Venetian Islands.
Michael E. Miller, Trevor Bach, Jose D. Duran, Kyle Munzenrieder, and Tim Elfrink contributed to this story.
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