It's Christmas time! Yeah, we're all fucking excited. Or excited about fucking.
We're not sure what it is about the holiday spirit, but all that humbuggery really gets our gifts ready for the ho-ing. We stockpiled our apartment with mistletoe, and we're not going to stop ordering takeout till we get our platter cleaned.
But we're not the only ones. Apparently, everyone likes to bone during the holidays. Check out these dirty tunes, putting the XXX in Xmas. Now bust a nutcracker.
Clarence Carter's "Backdoor Santa"
Clarence Carter is a dirty freak. We first met him when we were listening to music about masturbating. Turns out, he keeps strokin' on through the merriest time of all. As he says on the track, he "ain't like no St. Nick/He only cum but once a year." Clean your stockings, you dirty old man.
Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby"
Everyone knows this classic sexy Santa tune. Eartha Kitt is a real minx, and apparently a grade-A gold digger. She wants more than just that holiday sausage. At least she's going to put out to get the goods. Damn girl, don't hurt 'em.
Albert King's "Santa Wants Some Lovin'"
This bluesman knows the best way to get the ladies is with a funky-ass bassline. Mrs. Claus likes it when her man does that walk along the frets. And that guitar solo, ooh child. Screw the cake and the presents, King is going to give it to you straight -- and stiff as hell.
Jimmy Butler's "Trim Your Tree"
No one likes a scraggly bush, especially around the holidays. Whoever said the golden oldies weren't filthy as fuck were totally lying. Jimmy Butler is bringing his hatchet and beautiful Christmas balls, and that's about as far as the metaphors go.
Pansy Division's "Homo Christmas"
But hey, the holiday fuck-fest isn't just for straight couples. All that nonsense about god hating ... Well, it's just not true. The Pansy Division spreads the Christmas cheer to all the queers. Just look at those dance moves. We'll pass on the candy cane up the butt, though.
Duke Tumatoe's "It's Christmas (Let's Have Sex)"
In the beginning, this sounds like any old classic Christmas tune, but then things get heated up. Good ol' Duke Tumatoe leaves nothing to the imagination as he brings this kinky little number to life. Imagine walking into the family room to find him in nothing but sandals. Ooh la la.
Galgta TV's "Christmas B.J. Song"
These funny YouTubers wanted to go viral for Xmas, so they penned this straightforward blowsie anthem and threw some sleigh bells on it. Adorbs. They make a great case. Who wants socks? Dudes want blowjobs. C'mon girl, all it costs is a bit of dignity.
Depfox's "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus"
You know the old favorite. Well, this is a version for America's new family dynamic. Santa is an equal opportunity lover. After all, he gives presents to all the good little boys and girls. OK, not really little boys and girls. Well, fuck.
Justin Beiber's "Christmas Eve"
Yo, the Biebz is all grown up now. So obviously, his Christmas song has a tinge of sex appeal. He's going to eat up all yo' cookies girl, and he's gonna slurp the milk too. Hang your stockings, 'cause when JB gets to your chimney, you're not going to need them.
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Roy Chubby Brown's "The 12 Sex Days of Christmas"
But having sex is kind of like having Pringles: once you pop, the fun don't stop. This dirty Englishman brings a filthy twist to the holiday favorite which usually goes on for way too long, but when it comes to sex, no one likes a one-minute man.