Tweetcasting a Trip to the Port-a-Potty at Ultra Music Festival 2011
One of the quintessential Ultra Music Festival experiences that rarely gets any press is the average attendee's trip to the port-a-potty.
Well, I was waiting in line last night at 10:14 p.m. trying not to piss my pants and thought, "Somebody's gotta document it. Why not me?" But whipping out my iPhone and typing out a Tweet, I couldn't get a signal. Still, for my own scatological amusement, I wrote it all out.
So apologies for the delay ... But these are the Tweets you would have read in real time via @crossfade_sfl if 3G service didn't suck at Ultra.
10:14 p.m. Never thought I would willingly document a trip to the port-a-potty at a major music fest. And yet here we are ... Ultra 2011, tweetcasting.
10:14 p.m. Queues are short. But they're totally disorganized. Does the DMT-addled mind lose its ability to understand the concept of a straight line?
10:14 p.m. Forget straight lines ... Are these stoners gonna be able to hold their shit in?
10:14 p.m. Way too many people hitting the port-a-potties in pairs.
10:14 p.m. The good-slash-sad news: They're out superquick. Let's hope they're doing drugs. And not making love. 'Cause 60 seconds is always too short.
10:14 p.m. I haven't seen anyone deal with incontinence the way I suggested in Crossfade's Ultra Survival Kit, i.e. crapping in a plastic bag.
10:14 p.m. One solution we actually have witnessed ... Pissing between the portable toilets. But, um, could this possibly work with number two?
10:14 p.m. Man, if you think one shitter stinks ...
10:14 p.m. Go hang out in a shantytown of shithouses with thousands of sweaty people who may or may not have just dropped a nugget in their drawers.
10:14 p.m. Whew ... Finally inside one of these things. Surprisingly, it stinks worse outside.
10:14 p.m. BTW, the Carl Cox Arena's bass is rattling this cage so much I feel as though I'm gonna get eaten by a T-Rex like that guy in Jurassic Park.
10:14 p.m. It's so dark I can't even see where I'm pointing my junk.
10:36 p.m. Relief!
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene each week with music news, trends, artist interviews and concert listings. We'll also send you special ticket offers and music deals.