Tupac Hologram? Boring! Top Five Dead Musicians That Should Be Digitally Resurrected

We tried to warn you people back in January: Coachella Music Festival Totally Sucks.

But, no ... You refused to heed our warning, shelled out the dough, plopped on your Spirit Hood, and spent the weekend getting ripped off by hippie dealers peddling research chemicals.

And then you had to sit through that Tupac Hologram bullshit. You know a festival is grasping at the straws of relevancy when they start booking the digital simulacra of dead superstars.

Plus, why would you bother hologramming Tupac when everyone knows he's still alive? Coachella should have worked with some artists who were actually dead. Here are our top five suggestions.

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The Deceased: Richard Wagner

The Genre: Proto-Fascist Opera

The Big Comeback: The grippingly intense German dramatist should make his holographic return to the orchestra pit at Chaos in Tejas, the annual hardcore punk festival in Austin, Texas. That fest always features one or two oddball picks, providing a dramatic break from the circle pit. This year, it's New Orleans sissy bounce superstar Big Freedia. But next year, it should be Richard Wagner conducting Der Ring des Nibelungen from start to the finish.

The Deceased: Tiny Tim

The Genre: Faerie Ukulele

The Big Comeback: What if Tiny Tim had bumrushed Dre and Snoop instead of Tupac? Wouldn't that have yielded three times as many Likes on The Book? Hey, Puff Daddy! Keep this shit in mind for when you decide to fly Biggie through the sky like an obese gangsta Peter Pan. Maybe Tiny Tim could be his Tinkerbell.

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