Yes, we at New Times are bona fide music journalists. But we also happen to be fully licensed sexperts. And as our esteemed colleague Trey Songz would undoubtedly agree, the key to a hearty and healthy life of carnal pleasure is correcting those creepy facial expressions that unconsciously flash across your ugly mug while doing the dirty.
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Honestly, you're scaring the ladies away. And we know it can be difficult to get your ecstasy-induced tics under control. But all you gotta do is practice two hours per day, mugging in the mirror while blasting Trey's instructional song "Love Faces" at dome-busting, crotch-jangling volume. And really, there are five simple steps to mastering the love face: (1) Pout your lips, (2) suck in your cheeks, (3) cock your head at a 45-degree angle, (4) give your lids a little droop, and finally, (5) let your eyes do the fucking.
So repeat, repeat, repeat. And then when you're confident enough to take your horny act into public, go meet Dr. Songz at the King of Diamonds and try out your new supersmooth sex sneer on a stripper.
With DJ Epps. 9 p.m. Saturday, September 24, at King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., Miami; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com.