After spending the past three days getting wasted and shaking ass all over SoBe, uhntz-uhntz-ing around Biscayne Bay aboard the Tikki Beach, and getting pruney in the Shelborne's pool, you're fucking pooped on partying.
And like EDM quirkmeister Riva Starr's mustachioed clubber baby, you're whining, "Last night, I was drunk with some chicks in a club ... And tonight, I will drink with some chicks in a club. I'm not sure I want to."
What? Huh? Why? We're in the middle of Winter Music Conference, guy. You're not allowed to be bored. So c'mon ... Check the cut for today's top WMC 2012 parties.
This Is Ibiza Pool Party. With Juanjo Martin, Albert Neve, Sandra Collins, Shamizo, Jose Franco, Alex Fever, and others. 11 a.m., Marseilles Hotel, 1741 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-5711; marseilleshotel.com. Ages 21 and up. Fuck brunch foods like fresh melon, poached eggs, and stone-crab claws. As this pool party's hot Spanish host Juanjo Martin would say, "This is Ibiza! And we eat fucking beats for breakfast! And then we go swimming!"
Waveform Pool Party. With Victor Calderone, Ida Engberg, Nicole Moudaber, Gregor Tresher, Layo & Bushwacka, and Dsan Powell. 11 a.m., Surfcomber Hotel, 1717 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-7715; surfcomber.com. Ages 21 and up. A suggested pool game for Victor Calderone and Waveform Recordings' early-morning EDM swim: Ten beat freaks jump in the deep end and thrash till someone makes a perfect Sine, Square, Triangle, or Sawtooth wave. The winner gets a brand-new oscilloscope.
La Tour Pool Party. With Carl Craig, Guy Gerber, Martin Buttrich, Radio Slave, Nina Kraviz, and others. Noon, Shelborne Beach Resort, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-1271; shelborneevents.com. Ages 21 and up. Ever tried dancing underwater? Pro: No one can tell that you haven't got any rhythm. Con: You can't breathe. Our advice ... Go borrow Carl Craig's scuba gear.
Riva Starr. With DJ Louis Dee. 11 p.m., SET Nightclub, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. After 12 hours of getting sunburnt and water-aged at three straight pool parties, your red, wrinkled ass needs to spend some time on dry land. Meet Riva Starr, that infant with facial hair, and "some chicks in a club."
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Nervous Records' Miami Deep. With Murk's Oscar G and Ralph Falcon, Danny Daze, Lazaro Casanova with Volta Bureau, Maxxi Soundsystem, Walker & ROyce, and No Artificial Colors. 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Sick of fucking SoBe? Go Miami Deep at the Pickle where local house heads Oscar G and Ralph Falcon will be "celebrating 20 years of Murk" while Lazaro Casanova cooks up the PetFood and Danny Daze doesn't "spend three grand on a table" with a bunch of bottle-service douches.