Top Ten Thanksgiving Songs About Your Screwed-Up Family
Adam Sandler is right. Thanksgiving is a special time of year.
But we're already sick of his song and dance, and the last movie he made was so terrible that even turkeys begged for a trip to the ovens rather than watch it.
So here are the true top ten greatest Thanksgiving songs. They will remind you of everything that's both great about this holiday and terrible about your relatives.
Wait, huh? Yeah, we said it. Enjoy the tunes.
10. Muddy Waters's "Champagne And Reefer"
Hanging out with your family is alright. But it's way more fun when you're drunk and high. And it ain't really the holiday season till dad starts drinking when he wakes up, passing you margaritas for breakfast, and Uncle Bob is smoking bowls in the bathroom with the shower on every 20 minutes.
9. "Whole Foods Parking Lot"
We gave up on going to supermarkets years ago. Hey, that's what wives and girlfriends are for, right? But having worked for years as a bag boy, we know what a nightmare supermarkets get to be every holiday. Especially Thanksgiving. This song goes out to anybody who has ever fought an old lady over a can of cranberry sauce, pushed a pregnant woman out of the way at the checkout line, or pulled a hit-and-run in a Whole Foods parking lot.
8. "The Raw Food Kids"
Every family has at least one food weirdo. Y'know, one of those vegan, gluten, veggie, macro, raw food, liquid, healthy types. We call 'em culinary communists. Not only do they always try to push their sadistic food agenda on you, they expect to be accomodated and catered to like a whiny little schoolgirl. Hey, we don't care if you wanna avoid good food the rest of the year. But when it's Thanksgiving, you will eat our bacon-wrapped carcass burgers and like them. Now take a shower and get a job, you stupid hippie.
7. Rick Ross's "Bring Me Food" (Parody)
Gluttony, we just wouldn't be fat without it. And what greater way to celebrate it than through song (while stuffing our faces with turkey pre-breakfast sandwich snacks). Standout lyrics from this poetic track include, "I like my flapjacks stacked, with Cheerios/If you try to take my food, I'll kill you hoes ... Potato salad, and collard greens/I farted so hard, ripped right through my skinny jeans."
6. Flula's "Sweet Potato Casserole"
Some people like the sides better than the main dish. Usually that German weirdo your sister brought home for the holidays. Hey, at least he's not vegetarian. This song exudes Kraftwerk-like obsession with sweet and whipped-up goodness made from yammage.
5. Whatever Hollywood's "Thanksgiving Song"
This is for everybody who is stuck somewhere without their family. Call them Thankscavengers. They're the ones who get to crash your party (and at least five other people's), but don't have to deal with any prep, cleanup, or dysfunctional family dynamics. They smoke your weed, drink your beer, eat your food, and then do the same to the poor saps next door. And they're usually your fat, smelly friend Larry, not three hot chicks from Los Angeles.
4. Churchofdave's "Thanksgiving Song"
This is the dude that never gets invited anywhere 'cause he is such a rude, caustic, inappropriate, disturbing, cynical asshole. But since he is related to you, somehow he ends up at holiday gatherings, makes everybody laugh for a while, then creeps everyone out, takes a giant shit, doesn't flush, throws up in the fish tank, pees on your car, and runs over the cat on the way out of the driveway.
3. Addams Family Values' "Eat Me (Thanksgiving Song)"
So your family is a little strange. So is ours. So is everybody's. Thanksgiving is still fucking awesome. So is this song, and so is this movie.
2. "Turkey In Yo Belly Time"
What, you thought we weren't going to include a booty bass-inspired dancing turkey song?
1. Mississippi John Hurt's "C-H-I-C-K-E-N"
Haven't turkeys suffered enough? Did you know they are capable of feeling and expressing the same level of emotion as cats and dogs? Did you know they like having their feathers petted? Did you know turkeys have personalities, hopes, and dreams that don't include a spicy wet rub, fist up their culo, and a long, hot oven nap? Chickens on the other hand love all that stuff, and never complain about it either. Here is the greatest song ever written about America's real favorite bird.
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