Today is Dave Coulier's birthday. And unless you've been hiding out in the Tanner's basement with Jodie Sweetin and a meth pipe for the last two decades, you oughta know that Alanis Morissette's biggest single, "You Oughta Know" is allegedly about Dave Coulier, AKA Uncle Joey from Full House. "Cut it out!," you may say. But its true ... Alanis went down on Ranger Joe in a theater. And no, that feeling in the pit of your stomach is not a jagged little pill. It's nausea. Or quite possibly an Olsen twin.
And although Morissette has never denied or confirmed that the song is about the man who made a career out of sticking his hand up Mr. Woodchuck's ass, the two did date, and Coulier admits that lyrics like "an older version of me" and "I hate to bug in the middle of dinner" hit close to home.
Regardless of the song's true subject, Morissette is not the first musician to pen a song that's the audio equivalent of a voodoo doll. There are plenty of other musicians filled with venomous spite for a former flame. So in honor of Coulier's birthday, here's ten romantic revenge songs.
10. Carly Simon's "You're So Vain"
Is this song about James Taylor, Mick Jagger, or Warren Beatty? Who knows. But let's go through the super-sour opening lyrics and take a stab:
"You walked into the party/Like you were walking onto a yacht/Your hat strategically dipped below one eye/Your scarf, it was apricot." That's gotta be Mick Jagger! He loves to be on yachts and he loves to wear scarves. Mystery solved!
9. Hole's "Violet"
Leave it up to Courtney Love
and a little bit of heroin to write lyrics pumped full of 100-percent unadulterated bitchiness: "Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to/Go on, take everything, take everything I dare you to ... And the sky was all violet/I wanna give my violet more violence/And I'm the one with no soul/One above and one below."
So who's this "Violet"? Rumors are it was Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan, who Love dated before she shacked up with Kurt Cobain. Apparently Corgan's astrological sign is Pisces and the birthstone for that zodiac fish is amethyst, which is violet in color. This could explain the opening lines, "And the sky was made of amethyst/And all the stars were just like little fish."
Plus, Love said that "Violet" was "a song about a jerk, I hexed him and now he's losing his hair," which is a much more logical reason for Corgan's hair loss than something less punk rock like genetics. Whether or not "Violet" spurred the name choice for the Smashing Pumpkin's album "Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness" remains to be known. But what we do know is that in the wake of dating Crazy Love, baldness seems to be one of the more mild repercussions.
8. Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River"
Oh, Justin ... Sweet, curly-haired, matching-denim-outfit Justin. Remember when Britney Spears broke his heart, he cried to Barbara Walters, and then for his debut solo album decided to fart these lyrics out of his weeping soul: "You dont have to say what cha did/I already know, I found out from him/Now there's just no chance with you and me/There will never be" And, then, evoking his inner Mother Teresa, capped off his resentment with this little nugget of rage: "The bridges were burned/Now its your turn to cry."
The real mystery here isn't the song's subject. But who really wrote "Cry Me a River." Our money is on Jessica Beil -- after jumping into a time machine, going back to 2002, writing the lyrics on Mickey Mouse stationary, leaving it under Justin's denim pillow, and zipping back to 2011 just days after pictures of a penis purported to be Timberlake's were found on Mila Kunis's hacked cell phone.
7. Pink's "So What"
This song is harsh on multiple levels. First off, the hook is harsh on our ear holes. Secondly, Pink attacks former ex and current husband/baby-daddy Carey Hart with these stinging lyrics: "I guess I just lost my boyfriend/I don't know where he went/So I'm gonna spend my money/I'm not gonna pay his rent
Girlfriend really knows how to emasculate a guy, huh? But Pink's not done. Her claws are sharp, so she arbitrarily attacks the dumb yet docile creature known as Jessica Simpson: "The waiter just took my table/And gave it to Jessica Simpson/I guess I'll go sit with drum boy/At least he knows how to sing." Damn, girl, you really wanted to start a fight, huh? And by the way, if Simpson and Pink were ever to embark on a cage match, our money's on Pink.
6. Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walking"
Sure, this song's not about anyone in particular. But there's something to be said about its well-known and mildly mean chorus: "These boots are made for walking/And that's just what they'll do/One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you."
Sinatra was encouraged by the song's writer Lee Hazlewood, who was 37 at the time, to sing the song like "a sixteen-year-old girl giving the brush-off to a forty-year-old man." Was this song romantic revenge on Hazlewood's part? Who knows. But if it was, all we've got to say is ick and gross.
5. Ugly Kid Joe's "Everything About You"
No one really knows who this song is about. But boy, this Joe kid is full of hate: "I hate the rain and sunny weather/And I hate the beach and mountains too, boohoo/And I don't like a thing about the city, no, no/And I, I, I hate the countryside too!/And I, hate everything about you!/Everything about you!"
Why so much hate, Joe? Is it because you're ugly? That must be it. That explains so much about Muammar Gaddafi.
4. Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"
Who knew slow dancing with bleach blonde tramps to karaoke versions of Shania songs could unleash so much bile: "That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive/Carved my name into his leather seats/I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights/Slashed a hole in all four tires/Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."
Geez, Carrie, didn't you used to milk cows before American Idol? Those poor heffers probably had chaffed udders. But we get it, Shania does that to us too.
3. Eminem's "Kim"
Sure, Justin felt betrayed by Britney, Courtney was pissed at Billy, and Ugly Kid Joe was livid at sunshine. But no one turns anger into murder fantasy quite like Eminem. And there's no subtleties in this song either. It's called "Kim" and Kim is Eminem's ex wife. They both clearly cheated on one another ("Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me") and his sentiments about the mother of his child aren't up for interpretation: "Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?/Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you/You were supposed to love me/Now bleed, bitch! Bleed!/bleed, bitch! Bleed! Bleed!"
Now we get what made Eminem's supposed down-low bed-buddy Mariah Carey go all nutso on TRL.
2. Lily Allen's "Smile"
At first, this bubblegum hit sounds as sweet as the bon-bons Lily Allen pops into her mouth in this video. But with a second listen and a quick gander at the song's lyrics, you immediately see that it's a catchy pop song riddled with bitter lyrics: "At first when I see you cry/Yeah, it makes me smile/Yeah, it makes my smile/At worst, I feel bad for a while/But then I just smile/I go ahead and smile."
How ironically Beatlesque of you, Ms. Allen.
1. Beyonce's "Irreplaceable"
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Why would a man ever let someone as wonderful, beautiful, and talented as Beyonce slip away? "Because you was untrue/Rolling her around in the car that I bought you/Baby you dropped them keys/Hurry up before your taxi leaves."
Oh, it's because of her horrible grammar. We get it now.