The Road is 100 fucking years old!
There's never been a better time to get wasted, eat great, and have consensual drunk sex in a parking lot than tomorrow's big birthday bash.
Here are the top ten reasons Tobacco Road should live another hundred years.
10. The Burgers
They're juicier than a one-legged hooker in Reno, hotter than the Devil's ass in Prada, and faster than an AK bullet on New Year's Eve.
9. The Ghosts
There's the screamy Cuban lady in all white, the baseball team whose bus crashed, and the giant river rat, all chilling on the premises, haunting, whether you believe it or not.
8. The Parking Lot
Hey, it's a giant fucking parking lot, with a fence around it. And you don't have to go clubbing at a stripmall in Kendall to experience it.
7. The River
No matter what kind of bet you lose, don't jump in. Just appreciate it.
6. The Metro Mover/Rail
You wake up with the sun in your face, passed out on the outdoor stage, with piss all on your blue jeans. Marker on your hand says, "We took your keys dumbass." But you still have a way home.
5. The Drugs
Sure, you don't buy coke anymore, and you quit smoking weed when you had kids. But if someone offers you a bump and a toke, you'll probably damn well take it.
4. The Sex
Ever got laid in a bathroom, at a table, standing up, face to face, skirt hiked, in a crowded bar?
3. The Camaraderie
So you're an outlaw biker, predicate felon, and you hate the police. But when you're elbow to elbow with 'em at the bar, you'll still clink mugs when Lebron James makes a slam dunk.
2. The Music
The only club in Miami with live reggae-salsa, old-school country blues, heavy fucking metal, and street rap all playing live at the same damn time. Also, Iko motherfuckin' Iko.
1. The First Shall Be The Last
Soon enough, Biscayne Bay is going to flood the streets. Even then The Road will serve up food, music, and fun for another hundred years.
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Tobacco Road's 100th Anniversary Party. With Big Sam's Funky Nation, Heavy Pets, Iko-Iko, Spam Allstars, Locos Por Juana, Jay Blues Band, DJ Le Spam, DJ Smooth, and August Campbell. Saturday, November 17. Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami. The party starts at 6 p.m. and tickets cost $10 to $75. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-374-1198 or visit tobacco-road.com