Top Ten Musical Atrocities Dance Music Has Managed To Survive
Yesterday, we alerted you to David Guetta's newest track "Gettin' Over You," featuring Fergie, Chris Willis, and LMFAO. It sounds like every other track Guetta has produced in the last three years -- but taken to a much scarier, getting-raped-in-a-dark-alley kind of level. We dubbed it the "dance music apocalypse," but in reality the genre has suffer much more tragic atrocities.
Let's take a look at the ten records we wish could go through some kind of musical Holocaust.
Eiffel 65 "Blue (Da Ba Dee)"
The track unleashed its sonic assault on to the clubs and then to the airwaves in 1999. The chorus, which some say sounds like he's saying "I'm in need of a guy," is highly infectious, which makes it that much worse. But that's not even worst part: it managed to make it to the number 6 position in the Billboard Hot 100. Seriously, people at one point we all liked this shit!
O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei"
Blame this on the power of the interwebs and some fucking dork's embarrassing viral video. The only good thing that came out of this abortion of a song was Basshunter's version featuring sex-on-legs Victoria's Secret model Alina Puscau on vocals -- yea, it still fucking sucks but at least we've got something pretty to look at. Sorry T.I., you don't get a pass. You brought the song back into everyone's conciouness when you sampled it in "Live Your Life." Douchebag move, bro.
Aqua "Lollipop (Candyman)"
Sit down, because we are about to blow your socks off. We actually kind of like Aqua's record "Barbie Girl," mostly because the absurd track did make some valid feminist points about the iconic doll. Go ahead, listen to it ; you'll see what we mean. Unfortunately, the rest of their output was never as clever or interesting as "Barbie Girl." Euro-trash to the max! Case in point: "Lollipop (Candyman)."
Paul Oakenfold "Starry Eyed Surprise"
This won't take long. Crappy melody + vocals by Shifty Shellshock of Crazy Town = Crappiest pop/dance collabo known to man. We don't like to speak ill of the dead, but the late Brittany Murphy's attempt with Oakenfold a few years later wasn't any better.
LMFAO featuring Lil Jon "Shots"
"I'm in Miami, Bitch" was awful enough that we were tempted to include it on this list, but "Shots" beats it for oh so many wrong reasons. It's misogynistic, full of shameless commercial plugs, and gives douchebags a false sense of hope that they will manage to score. (Also a big "fuck you" to every Miami DJ that has played this track -- we're tempted to list every single one of your names but we'll refrain from doing so for decorum's sake). We actually bumped into some "Party Rock" girls this past WMC and asked them how could they keep their head up while promoting the two biggest broken condom mistakes roaming on Earth.
Talk about songs that are only tolerable when you have so much MDMA in your body you are likely to die of a heatstroke. The melody itself sounds like a car alarm that just won't turn itself off!
Vengaboys "We Like to Party"
Allow us to apologize in advance for making you aware again of this horrid thing called "music." This is one of those songs that are so sweet it rots your teeth when you first list to it. It's also super fucking annoying. This is like late '90s Britney Spears, N'Sync, and Backstreet Boys all melted into one with a touch of Melissa Joan Hart. What that hell were we thinking when we allowed this to reach the Billboard charts? Nevermind that the song quickly slipped off the charts and radio, but somebody over at Six Flags thought it would be hilarious to make a creepy commercial using the song a few years later.
Zombie Nation "Kernkraft 400"
Honestly, this is the reason why I stay away from sporting events.
Proof that just cause you have the vocal chops doesn't mean you can make good music. British singer Sonique tortured the world at the turn of the century with these bland, trance ballads that no amount of drugs could make it tolerable.
Rednex "Cotton-Eye Joe"
Swedes must really hate Americans, because we can't think of a bigger insult that to do a pop-techno version of folk song "Cotton-Eye Joe." Released in 1994, it reached number one in the British charts and number 25 on Billboard. It was re-released again in 2002, but this time we knew better.
We know there are a lot more tracks that should have been included but weren't so feel free to add your dance music facepalms in the comments below.
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