Americans are stupid. We like stuff that sucks, lots of us at once. That's called pop culture. Later we look back on it and laugh. That's called VH1. The crappy music we once enjoyed all together as a nation is documented in the archives of the pop music charts.
Thanks to the power of the Internet, we uncovered the top 10 worst pop songs ever to go number one on the charts. Welcome to the danger zone.
10. Starland Vocal Band - "Afternoon Delight"
Number one in July 1976
The only time you should hear this song is at a bar when it's time to close and they want you to leave. Every time this song gets played a baby panda kills itself.
9. Irene Cara - "Flashdance: What A Feeling"
Number one from May to July 1983
"When I hear music, close my eyes, I am rhythm." Yeah, the rhythm of dentist drill in the eardrum, trying to piss out a watermelon-size kidney stone, a steel toed boot to the skull, a hammer at a crucifixion, a self-administered appendectomy with no anesthesia, and red-hot bamboo shoots prying off your fingernails at a p.o.w. camp....all at once.
8. Mr. Mister - "Broken Wings"
Number one in June 1985
Somebody should have broken Mr. Mister's writing hand along with his stupid wings. They could have called him Twisted Fister, made sure he never learned to fly again, and told him to jump off a cliff.
7. Sgt. Barry Sadler - "Ballad of The Green Beret"
Number one in March 1966
Blatant propaganda about dying for the government in some fucked up war we should have never been in in the first place ... Iraq remix on deck.
6. The Osmonds - "One Bad Apple"
Number one from February to March 1971
Bootleg white version of the Jackson 5. Look closely and you can see the puppet strings. If this song had a smell, it would be bubblegum buried in a pile of dog shit.
5. Nickelback - "How You Remind Me"
Number one in January 2002
Rumor has it this song is used as a torture device in Guantanamo. Maybe someday the YouTube of Al Qaeda terrorism detainees in a forced Nickelback singalong will hit the web.
4. Falco - "Rock Me Amadeus"
Number one from March to April 1986
Props to the first German-language song to ever take over the U.S. charts. Still, it sounds like the way a mattress at Miami Velvet must smell after absorbing seven years of orgy juices. It sounds like dropping a bowling ball from a roof on the crowd at a nun convention. It sounds like a horse with its foot stuck in a wood chipper.
3. Peaches & Herb - "Reunited"
Number one in May 1979
In 1989 this song was covered by David Hasselhoff in Germany at the fall of the Berlin Wall, thus making a stronger case for communism.
2. Johnny Preston - "Running Bear"
Number one in January 1960
A catchy, racist song which reduces all Native American culture to oogah-boogah chants, nature-sounding names, and standing around waterfalls looking at each other.
1. Timmy T - "One More Try"
Number one in March 1991
What's amazing about this song is that it also boasts one of the most amazingly horrible videos ever.
