The MSC Divina is one gorgeous white lady. The newest in the Italian fleet, she's named in honor of the equally stunning actress Sophia Loren. She can carry up to 3,959 passengers with a crew of 1,325.
This weekend, she's going to be packed to the brim, but not with families and mild-mannered romantics looking for an oceanic escape. Instead, a merry band of raving bastards is charging its lasers for the world's raddest EDM cruise. But exactly which types of party animal would embark upon such a fiesta?
These are the six people you meet aboard Holy Ship!!!
See also: Holy Ship!!! 2014 in Animated GIF!!!
The Ship Fam
Holy Ship!!! is unlike any other EDM festival, because it breeds a cult-like atmosphere. This is only the third voyage (hence the three exclamation marks -- get it?), and that means some of these people have been on board for every journey. Those already-indoctrinated veterans target newcomers and feed them the Kool-Aid that this is the best weekend of their lives. Et voila! Everyone becomes "Ship Fam." It's like going to summer camp and having a group of friends that you see only once a year. These people are insane, and you will love them.
Awww, babies are so cute, aren't they? Walking around with their wide eyes and slack jaws. They have no fucking idea what they just got themselves into. But it's all right, 'cause those of us with sailing experience are here to guide you newbs every dubstep of the way. Of course, this is a brand-new boat, so the playing field has been ever-so-slightly leveled. Let's discover the treasures of the MSC Divina together. And then let's get plastered and dance like rabid monkeys.
Bro! Is that Skrillex and A-Trak eating at a corner table? Is that Pharrell hanging by the bar? Is that Gina Turner teaching Lamaze classes on the pool deck? All right, that last part probably won't happen, but you are definitely about to rub elbows with the people you paid almost $1K to see. They aren't going to try hiding, because they're just as stoked to be a part of this beautiful Caribbean adventure as the rest of us. Just try to keep in mind, they're people too, and they don't know you yet, so try to at least say "Hello!" and introduce yourself before proclaiming your undying love.
This crazed maniac is on a mission, and no steady-handed security guard can mess up her moment. She's got that one artist she's been obsessing over for years, and Holy Ship is the only place she can legally be stuck with said artist for days with no escape. She's a superfan. And probably, so are you. So if there's something you want signed or rubbed up against or whatever, this is the weekend to make your dreams come true. Just don't cry too hard about it afterward. You're freaking everyone out.
The Fathead Dummy
Imagine being at work, looking up, and seeing a giant cardboard cutout of your own head bobbing along, staring at you unflinchingly. Sounds like the most awkward moment ever, right? Well, that's exactly what the kids of the EDM scene have decided is "the shit." You're definitely going to see your favorite DJs, but you'll also see a bunch of paper-based, larger-than-life versions of your favorite DJs. Feel free to sexually abuse the 2-D versions. We're pretty sure that's what they're here for.
This Fucking Winner Right Here
We do not know what's going on. We only know that we love it. He has "Bass Bandit" written on his, uh, adult diaper? He has bunny ears, a ripped-up NYC scenester tank, and probably three days of grime built up in his body's every nook and cranny. Surely, he has alcohol and more running through his veins. He's clearly the best dancer in the whole place. This is exactly the type of dude you wanna party with on the ship -- and you will.
Holy Ship!!! 2014. Thursday, January 9, to Sunday, January 12, 2014. MSC Divina, boarding at Port of Miami, 1015 N. America Way, Miami. The cruise is sold out. Visit holyship.com.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.