Ten Worst House Music Videos of All Time
House rose from the cracks of Chicago's warehouse disco scene to be a global force in music.
But just because billions of ears dig this stuff and it changed pop history ... Sometimes, it still sucks.
As proof, we here at Crossfade dug up some examples of how stupid it's all gonna look in retrospect.
Here are the ten worst house music videos of all time.
10. The KLF's "Last Train To Transcentral"
We know renting trains is probably expensive. And yeah, that flying cop car idea is pretty cool. But your hand showed up holding it, dumbass.
9. Röyksopp's "The Drug"
Aaah! Detached baby dinosaur head. Girls battling the apocalypse with a boom box. Crazy glass-eyed bum. Dog licking a skull near an abandoned factory. Creepy janitor zombie. Radio static, rape scene. Deformed monster baby. White wolf. Staring at the sky. Dead eyed people. Naked kid doing the Buffalo Bill? Machine gun. Flying cross. Alien. Fire. Orange moon.
8. Frankie Knuckles' "The Whistle Song"
Spinning golden cooch whistle. Fat guy with parrot. Flute player. Hotdog vendor dancing wih ketchup. Spirals. Circus freak plays a chair like a trumpet. Dancing wiener dog. Near a hoop. Dancing traffic cop in silhouette. Munchkin clowns. High-school marching band. Butterfly. Lots of butterflies. Hot chick spins 'round. Judo shirt. Flute player looks like Lionel Richie. Parrot on the flute. Haunted house. Pilgrim. Dancing pilgrim. One leg up. Puffy shirt from Seinfeld.
7. Byron Stingily's "You Make Me Feel"
Cee Lo! This must be his early stuff. Disco cave? Shitty drug store sun glasses, at night, underground. Disco aerobics class in abandoned Roman coliseum. Booty-shaking! Disco lights. Sparkle FX. Plastic garbage bag behind a fan backdrop. Repeat.
6. Sylvester's "Someone Like You" (Larry Levan Remix)
Tina Turner hair. Maracas behind a shade. Hat lady. Tito Jackson. Walking down stairs in bra. Referee dances with purple bra girl. Wow. That hair. Dude-lady with Rod Stewart hair and open blazer. Man tits. Girl plays leg guitar. Action dance sequence. Gymnastics. Futuristic gangbang foreplay. Line dancing. 3D transition effects. Star wipe. Leaning on the stairs. Really high note. Ballet in abandoned warehouse. Lambada. Karate Kid doors.
5. Narcotic Thrust's "I Like It"
Homeless cheerleaders. Crotch grab! Lipstick. Spikes. Vampire cheerleaders. Booty drop. Cartwheels, jumping splits, spin moves. Wide open spread eagle. Freeze. Lots of fancy dancing. Behind-the-fan-blade shot. Confetti everywhere. Ticker tape. Indoor parade. Let her live the dream!
4. Reel 2 Real's "I Like To Move It"
Wicked headband. In the median of a busy street. NYC? Close up. Holy shit, the first Matrix shot!? Tooth gap. Oriental pimp hat. Tootsie rool. Just chilling on the floor of the club. Rolled-up pant leg. Electric tape short. Beer commercial. Under a bridge. Booty, booty, booty. Camel toe. Red sky. Fighting at restaurant. Kiss on the stoop. Baby. Zebra cane. Finger guns. Booty pop. Ancient warrior. Smoking, yo.
3. Trentemøller's "Moan"
Space pod flying. Aaaah! Dog in space. Is that legal? What was the budget. That shit can't be cheap. Dog is pissed, lip-syncing words. Flying some more. Is the dog going to throw up? Playing ball in the snow. Dog is thristy? Remembering old days while eating beef jerky. Floating space jerky. Old lady at apartment. Nope, just a hat. Running away. Oh, shit, dog catcher scientists! Nazi scientists? Floating now. Fuck these crackers. Blood, paperbag heads. Smile! Oh,,,, communists! Communists are assholes! Linedancing with paperbag heads. Or kick-dancing? Cool furry hat. Dog hates communists, jumps out the window, floats off into outer space.
2. Urban Cookie Collective's "High on a Happy Vibe"
Singing in a time warp. Magic carpet ride with friends. Floating through cotton candy. Fence! Telescope. Dreadhawk. Lines falling out of the sky, representing rain. They don't like rain. Buddhist monk. Crummy city life. Fighting the future with maracas. These green hats itch. In the future, scully caps for everyone. Yay, pink clouds. Magic carpet has a lot of miles on it. Tubular, we're surfing. Megaphone vocals, sun comes out, take off clothes. Bikini time. Golden jacket. Jumping splits. Gumballs in outer space.
1. Soul II Soul's "Get a Life"
Playing upside down violin ain't what it used to be. Walking through the city with a golf club. With Kid 'n Play hair. Wait, no that's a hat. Kids in the woods. Is that the set of The Arsenio Hall Show? Mansion. Leather jumpsuit. Kids in the woods. Tree shot. Keyboards on stairs. Whoa, pointy bra shadow. Wild concert. Pow. Running through the leaves. So much spinning. Feel dizzy. Fuck this shit.
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