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Ten Straight-Edge Bands With Hilarious And/Or Terrible Names

Last night, Washington D.C. straight-edge stompers Coke Bust ripped open Churchill's Pub like a moody Norse God leveling some mountains out of ennui. And really, would you have expected any less with a band name like Coke Bust?

Straight edge is usually pretty serious business. So while not entirely the "LOL" kind of funny, that aforementioned hardcore crew moniker is still better than some one word assertion of strength, triumph, brotherhood, or any other Braveheart bullshit.

And guess what? Turns out hardcore's history is littered with hilarious and/or terrible band names. Check out Crossfade's ten favorites after the jump.

10. Good Clean Fun

While their name is just clever enough, we've included this wacky late '90s Washington D.C. vegan-edge band for their next-level hilarious hardcore parodies. The lyrics, album art, and even song structures are all finely tailored to lampoon Good Clean Fun's base genre and scene with an intellectual lightheartedness seldom heard at Earth Crisis concerts. But don't mistake GCF for a joke band: These guys are as serious about sobriety and animal rights as they are about spoofing scene politics.

9. xLooking Forwardx

xLooking Forwardx is mid-2000s generic-edge so formulaic that we're not even sure it's worth doing the math to determine which wave they actually are. (It's gotta be at least the fourth.) Basically (though not specifically), they are the band that Good Clean Fun was making fun of. A quick look at the x's adorning either side of their self-help-y band name is confirmation that these dudes are drinking the straight-edge brotherhood Kool-Aid with delirious aplomb. Accordingly, the music and cover art both seem like they were created in a universe where if it doesn't have a crucial breakdown, it isn't music.

8. Far From Breaking

What's this? The lady doth protest too much! If ya'll were really so secure about your man-love sobriety cult, why would you need to have your band's name be a constant reassertion that you still haven't sold out? Might as well have named the band, "Please Believe That We're Still Straight Edge."

7. Liferuiner

Ah, Liferuiner ... Just rolls off the tongue. If this band had been practically any other subgenre from the punk-hardcore-metal axis, they would have been awesome. But because they're straight-edge, you know they're just talking about drugs or whatever. You call your band Liferuiner and you better ruin some damn lives, not give people speeches on the power of positive thinking.

6. Uniform Choice

Finally, a youth crew band from one of the initial waves (West Coast skate-edge), not just some infinitely self-referencing throwback to the last time someone threw back to '80s hardcore. This group's name lands at number six for being so comfortable in embracing herd-mentality and conformity. Just one spin of their record (any of them, pick one) gives you the feeling of having spent the night with Xs on your hands and a sneer on your face toward the clueless norm who wandered in without realizing he's the only person smoking a cigarette.

 

5. Chain of Strength

Much like that of their Californian peers, Uniform Choice, the Chain Of Strength moniker could have been the name of a fantasy novel, a covert US military operation, or some kind of monastic colony where you pump iron and "stay true." Of course, the third option is reality. Can't help but wonder how many of the players on this recording actually managed to stay "True Til Death."

4. Floorpunch

Part of a Boston-specific youth crew revival scene during the late '90s, Floorpunch sneaks comfortably into the top five by being completely honest. It's like when more-traditional, drug-taking rock stars name their child, like, seven different hippie hobby nouns. They're just being honest about what's really on their mind. In the case of Floorpunch, they are thinking about you punching the floor every time they get to that part of the song.

3. Coke Bust/Drug Test

We included both Coke Bust and Drug Test at number three for being two iterations of the same theme. Personally, Crossfade thinks the former has a little more fire in its belly. But whatevs ... Aggro joke names like these are practically Scooby and Shaggy cruising in the Mystery Mobile compared to the genuine hardline "Kill Your Local Drug Dealer" t-shirt contingent.

2. xFilesx

The punniest band name on here belongs to the group most obviously looking for a fight. The straight-edge hardcore movement is strangest when considered in the context of obsession. Somehow fans of this hyper-specific one-track-mind genre don't seem to think it's odd that all of these bands are playing the exact same songs, over and over, without even a single new theme ever entering the canon. (It's been almost 30 years at this point, BTW.) You and your crew, your crew's adversaries, straight edge, the occasional tribute to the "girl who holds my hoodie" ... Uh, that's all these fucking people have to talk about.

1. Gorilla Biscuits

By naming themselves in tribute to an obscure nickname for Qualuudes, the classic and essential first-wave NYHC band and melodic-hardcore innovators are our number one pick by a longshot. A once-popularly abused sedative in the '70s, the drug is just far enough outside mainstream standards of acceptable use that it really reminds you who was playing hardcore during New York's early days -- bonafide rough-and-tumble, pre-Giuliani street rats for whom straight edge was not just a suburban high-school clique or a medium for posturing, but a truly positive social movement intended to actively empower the downtrodden. All that aside, do you think most people read this band's name and think it's a reference to poo?

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