The performances for the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards have been announced. And Crossfade is not impressed.
Last week, when we broke down why the upcoming VMAs is a steaming hot turd, we already knew Lil Wayne would be on board, and would likely be performing his wet fart of a single, "How To Love." Well, yesterday's announcement revealed that woman-beating public enemy number-one Chris Brown would also be taking the stage. And don't forget Adele, who is currently famous for sitting in a chair.
If you still haven't figured it out, let us clarify: The Video Music Awards are bogus. And these performances are bound to be equally craptacular. And it is in that spirit that we proudly present the ten shittiest MTV Video Music Awards performances ever.
10. Britney Spears: "Trouble/Gimme More" (2007)
Britney Spears' infamously sloppy non-comeback at the 2007 VMAs dug the pop diva the deepest hole of her tumultuous career. The backlash was so intense that it even granted YouTuber Chris Crocker 15 minutes of fame for being a hysterical freak.
9. Madonna and Lenny Kravitz: "Shanti Ashtangi/Ray of Light" (1998)
Oh. Great. Madonna and Lenny-fucking-Kravitz fuse New Age bullshit with, like, mall techno. Are you trying to sell my Mom jeans and/or incense?
8. Blink-182: "All The Small Things" (1999 and 2000)
MTV gave Blink-182's Tom Delonge two separate opportunities to sing All The Small Things in tune. Once at the VMA pre-show in 1999 (see above) and again as the closing act of the 2000 VMAs. He failed miserably both times.
7. Oasis: "Champagne Supernova" (1996)
Welcome to America, where we pay petulant drug addicts millions of dollars to be petulant drug addicts. On stage.
6.Brandy & Monica: "The Boy Is Mine" (1998)
Rumor has it that MTV's producers asked Brandy and Monica to perform their collaborative single "The Boy Is Mine" to quell suspicions that the R&B sirens were feuding. Well, based on the oh-no-you-didn't narrative of the song, Crossfade would have preferred MTV arranged a good ol' fashioned Miss Thang cage match cat fight.
5. Fergie: "London Bridge" (2006)
Welcome to America, land of The Fergie.
4. Guns N' Roses: "Welcome to the Jungle/Madagascar/Paradise City" (2002)
Ah, yes, the public debut of Axl Rose paying a bunch of scabs to be Guns N' Roses. No Izzy, no Duff, and especially no Slash, means no Guns N' Roses. Sorry, Buckethead.
3. Puff Daddy, Sting, Faith Evans and 112: "I'll Be Missing You" (1997)
Ah, yes, the public debut of Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs milking The Notorious B.I.G.'s dead ass for every penny it's worth.
2. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Madonna: "Like A Prayer/Hollywood" (2003)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. USA Today nearly jizzed its pants when Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the 2003 VMAs. Bizarrely enough, no one had much to say about her kissing Christina Aguilera a few seconds later. Or about how the whole damn routine so lazily relied on Madonna's super played-out 1984 performance of "Like A Virgin" that not even Missy Elliott could make this garbage relevant.
1. Kid Rock, Run DMC and Aerosmith: "Bawitdaba/Walk This Way" (1999)
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Nu-metal was so insidious that it convinced Run DMC and Aerosmith that they had to do something with Kid Rock and his midget hypeman Joe C (R.I.P.). I know we're talking about Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. But a Kid Rock concert is so oily that it's like a giant greased watermelon contest. Were Run, DMC, and Jam Master Jay that desperate for a check?