As popular culture continues to be consumed by a seemingly inexhaustible inferno of idiocy - dubstep trickle down, reunion shows, Drake, the list goes on - the Recording Academy is putting on their best Nero costumes and getting their fiddles nice and tuned.
Yes. That's right. It's fucking Grammy season.
Ah, The Grammys. The only multi-bajillion dollar spectacle that actively murders the culture it's pretending to celebrate while it sells you smart phones and cancer.
Sorry to shoot ducks in a barrel, but there's no way we can go another second without letting you know the absolute ins and outs of our hatred for this incredible non-musical charade.
10. The Grammys New Rules Are A Big Bunch of Bullshit
The Recording Academy baffles us with their self-importance. Do you really need to treat the restructuring of your little cupcake pageant like it's a god damn U.N. security council meeting? This whole thing is a giant industry charade-bubble, no one needs a fucking play by play of how you restructured the Best Compilation Soundtrack For Visual Media category.
9. Nobody At The Grammys Listens To Rock Music
Good fucking god, did you take a look at these nominees? If you took the Grammys word for it, there hasn't been a new rock band in over a decade. These people need to start beefing up their blogroll or something, because this shit is sinking. Fast.
8. The Grammys Online Gift Shop Is Intolerable
The thought of any and all Grammys merchandise immediately conjures garbage islands the size of small countries. Who buys this crap? We would like to issue an extra rabid "WTF?!!" to the especially deplorable Gucci GRAMMY Timepiece.
7. Kanye West Is Nominated Twice
Maybe live broadcast television will finally take the full-plunge down the meta-pomo-black hole it's been orbiting and Kanye West will interrupt his own acceptance speech to claim he (Kanye West) should actually be the winner. Twice.
6. The Live Performances Scheduled For The 2012 Grammys Are A Total Joke
The promo for the 2012 Grammys hypes up the "first ever" collaborative performance between Rihanna and Coldplay. But, uh, the reason this is the first time these artists have ever shared the stage is because it's a bad fucking idea. Not even Rihanna's song to end all songs, "We Found Love," can make Coldplay sound like anything more than the aural equivalent to pale seafoam wall paper.
5. This Shit Isn't Even About Music
Skip to the end of the above clip to see Frank Sinatra get cut-off by producers mid-acceptance speech. As feverish Rat Pack fanatics, we've never forgiven them for their indiscrection.
4. The Grammys Music Blogs Are Killing Our Buzz
What kind of question is that? The kind that perfectly exemplifies everything we hate about The Grammys, the music industry, the internet and whole miserable stain that is human history.
3. Adele Is Nominated More Than Rihanna
Like we were saying, "We Found Love" is the most important thing to happen to music since music. What's the deal with that British tart Adele ranking in all of the nominations? We thought music like this was intended strictly for jogging, like Jock Jams.
2. The Grammys Are Softer Than Baby Thighs
A quick rundown of the Record of The Year nominees (Adele, Bon Iver, Bruno Mars, Mumford and Sons and Katy Perry) reveals that music as manifested in popular commercial contexts (TV, radio, etc) is on its last damn legs, and those legs are silky smooth. Could this shit get any safer, cuddlier, friendlier or devoid of any bit of stimulation? Has music been reduced to a sedative?
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1. Skrillex May Win A Grammy
We thought shit had hit a low point when "My Humps" won a golden gramophone. But the mere possibility that dubstep/crabcore mega-goon Skrillex could also be a Grammy recipient is the greatest proof that the whole thing totally sucks.