Halloween is a holiday for sluts and children. And we here at Crossfade don't really care about kids.
Miami does it super big, and there are only about a bajillion Halloween-themed parties this weekend. But because you can't go to everything, we've boiled our music and party guide down to the ten most exciting and bizarre bashes.
Trick or treat, motherfuckers. Here's hoping you get lucky.
Jack Beats and Craze's Costume Party! With Caligula and Crespo. Presented by Poplife and Party Degree. Thursday, October 25, 10 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 18 and up. Craze is your favorite DJ's favorite DJ, and Jack Beats is going to turn tricks into "Thriller" zombies with his massive beats.
Willy Wonka's Wonderland: Charlie & The Erotic Chocolate Factory. Best costume wins a golden ticket worth two premium bottles and a table. Friday, October 26, 10 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. Ages 21 and up. Halloween is all about taking childhood things and turning them slutty. This is going to be sweet.
Back in Black. With Dirty South, Paul Van Dyk, Funkagenda, LA Riots, The Crystal Method, and others. Saturday, October 27, 2 p.m., Bicentennial Park, 1075 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Tickets cost $75 to $99 plus fees via wantickets.com. Back in Black is even bigger than last year. With a lineup like this, you know they're going in hard.
Hallowynwood Parade and Costume Contest. With Beat Machines, Krisp, Jolt Radio's DJ John, and others. Saturday, October 27, 6 p.m., Armory Studios, 572 NW 23rd St., Miami. Visit the Facebook event page. Hipster Halloween is cooler. Bloody brews! Creepy cocktails! Food trucks! Killer tunes! And freak parades!
The Dwarves' Halloween. With The Ruins, Pool Party, Flees, Enough! and Severe Disappointments. Presented by Idle Hands. Saturday, October 27, 8 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami. Admission costs $15. Take some decadent, intense, and destructive punk rock to the face this spooky holiday season.
Mission to Mars. With Com Truise, Poolside, and Bonde Do Role. Presented by Poplife and Nightdrive. Saturday, October 27, 10 p.m., EVE, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 18 and up. Ground control to major Com. You better get your booty out to this party cause he's going to break it down.
Black Moth Super Rainbow. With the Casket Girls, Ark IX, and Mr. Feathers. Presented by Sweat Records. Tuesday, October 30, 9 p.m., The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami. Tickets cost $10 via SweatShopMiami.com. Fuck all that dance music. Your freaky holiday needs some experimental psych-pop folktonica.
Slap & Tickle: Magical Halloween Edition. With The Magician. Wednesday, October 31, 10 p.m., Bardot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via showclix.com. Ages 21 and up. Dim lighting, intimate dance floor, fancy drinks, and endless tricks. 'Cause treats are for wimps.
Kim Kardashian's Halloween Birthday Bash. As part of Super You & Me with Laidback Luke, Sandro Silva, and Oliver Twizt. Wednesday, October 31, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $60 to $90 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. It'll be a big contest of who-is-the-biggest-slut, and that's a contest everyone wins.
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Trap House with RL Grime. Presented by Red Rabbit. Wednesday, October 31, 11 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. When running the trap, hoes are guaranteed to drop it low. This is gonna be ratchet.