Back when you were just a seven-year-old sugar junkie, Halloween was a pretty simple gig. It was all about dressin' up like a murderer, hittin' the streets after dark, and gettin' that candy.
But then you got too old to Trick or Treat. And that's the moment when All Hallows' Eve got complicated. Now this horror-filled holiday is a sketchy proposition that inevitably involves stripping down to your underwear, slathering yourself with fake blood, and gobbling ghoulish intoxicants till you end up going home and getting naked with a stranger in a cheap latex mask.
Oh, adult Halloween ... It's slutty, drunk, and occasionally dangerous. And here are your best options for misbehavin' this weekend.
10. Bass & Titties. With Rob E, Stylus, $upergenius$, James Wolfe, Mas Inc, and Gor D. Friday, October 28, 9 p.m., Pink Pony, 7971 Northwest 33rd St., Doral; 305-513-3780. Free. Ages 21 and up. What comes to mind when some depraved freak screams, "Halloween in Miami"? The answer: Naked ladies, nose candy, and booty music. Do it up with Bass & Titties at Doral strip joint Pink Pony. Check out nine other cheap weekend options with Crossfade's Ten Under $10.
9. Amnesia Halloween Weekend. Swanky Tunes vs. Hard Rock Sofa, Friday, October 28, 11 p.m., and Defected in the House with Bob Sinclar, Saturday, October 29, Amnesia Miami, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; amnesiamiami.com. Tickets cost $30 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. You were there last Friday when celebrity co-owner Bob Sinclar opened the doors on this revamped version of classic SoBe club Amnesia. But man, you can't remember shit. Oh well ... Toss on a costume and go get your brain erased again.
8. Back In Black. With Sebastian Ingrosso, Erick Morillo, and Bob Sinclar. Saturday, October 29, noon to midnight, Scope Art Arena, 3055 N. Miami Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $99 to $129 plus fees via wantickets.com. If your sexiest nightmares are filled with fake-boobed babes wearing demonic rabbit masks and playing auto-erotic knife games to a relentlessly pounding electro-house soundtrack, go spend 12 scary hours with Swedish House Mafia's Sebastian Ingrosso at Back in Black.
7. Maxim Masquerade Halloween Party. Saturday, October 29, 10 p.m., Club Play, 1054 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Need the perfect excuse to shamelessly slut it up this Halloween weekend? Well, Maxim's horndog staffers are throwing a masquerade party at Club Play and we hear they're bringing sexy drill sergeants, superhot office assistants, and extra-flexible cirque performers.
6. Oh, Jack. Presented by Supermarket Creative. Saturday, October 29, 9 p.m., Dream Hotel, 1111 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; ohjackhalloween.com. Tickets cost $25 to $35 via ticketleap.com. Take a trip back to Victorian England and wallow in 19th-century serial killer chic. It's Whitechapel, London, in 1888, and Jack the Ripper is totally freaking out. There'll be bowler hats, a DJ set by Penguin Prison, and tons of hot chicks dressed up like dead prostitutes.
5. Frankenstock. With Crazy Fingers, Honey Henny Lime, Green Sunshine, and others. Saturday, October 29, noon, Jimbo's, 4201 SE Rickenbacker Causeway (down Duck Lake Rd.), Virginia Key; frankenstock.net. Free. Get dudded up like a big green monster or speed-addled biker, then cruise over for tricks (cash costume contest, bocce ball, passing out) and treats (cold beer, hard candy, free hotdogs) at Jimbo's Frankenstock Halloween festival.
4. The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Saturday, October 29, 9 p.m. and midnight, O Cinema, 90 NW 29th St., Miami; 305-571-9970; o-cinema.org. Presale tickets cost $10 (online code ASSHOLE) via eventbrite.com or $15 at the door. Everyone's favorite SoFla bass freak from the Bermuda Triangle -- Otto von Schirach -- stars, alongside Mr. Feathers, TM Sisters, Kizzy Gonzalez, and Notorious Nastie in this Miami-style riff on the crossdressing rock opera classic. And according to Otto, it's gonna be a "Rocky Horror, Que Pasa, U.S.A.? mess." Expect big booties, chancletas, and dirty Cuban slang.
3. Havana Halloween. Sunday, October 30, 9 p.m., Bongos Cuban Cafe, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 786-777-2100; bongoscubancafe.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. How did they celebrate Halloween in Havana before Castro crashed the party? Apparently, getting dressed like a crazy abuela, smoking fat cigars, and getting smashed on Cuba Libres at a hot gay, lesbian, bi, and trans night like Bongos' Havana Hallowen costume ball.
2. The AmityVilla Horror Ball. With DJ Irie and George Acosta. Monday, October 31, 8 p.m., Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. The original Amityville Horror was an actual mass murder committed by Ronald DeFeo, Jr. in a beautiful Dutch Colonial manse in suburban New York. Then it became a book, a movie franchise, and now it's a spooky party with a $1000 prize for best costume!
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1. Odd Future. Monday, October 31, 8 p.m., Fillmore Miami Beach, 1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-7300; fillmoremb.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via livenation.com. Are you a hate-filled monster with pentagram tattooed on your ass, a green ski mask pulled over your face, and a raging desire in your soul to "kill people, burn shit, [and] fuck school"? Awesome, it's time to team up with Tyler, The Creator and OFWGKTA for some real fucking Halloween mayhem.